Neighbourhood Watch uses spy plane to find out who watches foreign films

A NEIGHBOURHOOD Watch group is using an unmanned drone to spy on local residents’ viewing habits.

The group, in Stevenage, implemented the policy amid fears that several people in the area were watching foreign films.

Panic erupted when an anonymous caller requested DVDs of Amelie and Un Chien Andalou from the local lending library, and, on learning they were not in stock, refused to accept WWF’s Greatest Hits as an alternative.

Since then, the library has reported a steady increase in demand for ‘foreign, dirty sounding things’.

Neighbourhood Watch chairman Roy Hobbs said: “Our spy planes patrol every night, using thermal cameras to detect the excess heat generated by filmed displays of non-British emotion.

“As soon as we detect temperatures that seem excessively sweaty, we burst in with flaming golf clubs and do what we have to do.”

Foreign film watcher Tom Logan said: “I fully support the Neighbourhood Watch in this endeavour. I have chosen to live in Stevenage and it’s up to me to behave like a Stevenage person.”

He added: “On very special family occasions, we might come together and watch The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser, but for rest of the time it’s Top Gear and Downton.

“Multiculturalism simply doesn’t work.”

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Wonka stage role 'ideal for 1970s TV perverts'

THE perverts of the entertainment world are demanding the chance to audition for the role of Willy Wonka.

The new musical of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory stars a colourful character who gives sweets to children, tempts them into his home on the promise of wonderful adventures, and ends up severely traumatising them for life.

The only survivor is Charlie, a young boy from a deprived family who is expertly groomed by Wonka to take over as his heir and owner of his army of midget drug addict clown slaves.

Opening in the West End this week, the production has been deluged with requests from celebrity deviants.

Theatrical agent Norman Steele said: “Wonka is the perverts’ pervert.

“He makes kids fight for the chance to get into his house, lap at his chocolate river, get stuck up his pipe, and suck his special gobstoppers.

“It’s such a shame Sir Jimmy’s passed away. He’d have made this role his own.”