Awards thing inexplicably on television

A TELEVISION programme consisting entirely of people receiving trophies has somehow been broadcast.

Viewer Roy Hobbs said: “This has no entertainment value. Nor is it artistic, or educational, or useful. In fact, it appears to have no merit on any level.

“It’s just some strangers in a room, saying they love each other.

“Why is this on? I kept watching in case I was going to get an award, but no.”

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Haggis is chicken vulvas wrapped in a cow’s scrotum

Dear Holly,

My husband is from Aberdeen and insists that we eat haggis to celebrate Burns night this year. I was fine with the idea until Delia from zumba revealed that haggis is made of chicken vulvas wrapped in a cow’s scrotum. Not quite as bad as a Tesco value burger, but it isn’t far off. How can I avoid eating this revolting dish without hurting my husband’s national pride?



Dear Jemima,

We’re doing a special project for Burns night at school and so we’ve been learning some of his poetry and all about his life and stuff. The first thing we learned is that Robert Burns is a rubbish speller, even worse than the kids in Mrs Penhay’s Sunshine Remedial class. I tried to read some of his poems and they were FULL of mistakes and I could hardly understand what he was saying. There’s an angry Scottish dinner lady at my school called Margaret who is ginger and shouts at you if you drop crumbs on the floor and no-one understands her either so they are probably related. The other thing we learned about Robert the Burns is that he liked to write poems about his dinner, which is a bit weird. If he was alive today he’d probably be putting videos on YouTube of him singing a rubbish song about chicken nuggets or something. Thankfully he’s dead.

Hope that helps!