Middle class to seek Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's approval on everything

THE middle classes are not going to do anything without getting Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s explicit permission.

As the campaigning fop-forager unexpectedly withdrew his support for mackerel, wood-burning stove owners have found themselves unable to make further decisions without first knowing what Hugh thinks.

Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “The mackerel thing has just freaked me right out. It’s triggered total Hugh-based insecurity.

“What would Hugh think about these trousers I’m wearing? Would Hugh like my wife, or deem her unsuitable for me?

“Does Hugh think it’s ok to watch Holby City?

“I’m just staying on this chair until Hugh calls me on my mobile.”

Architect Emma Bradford said: “Dear god, the sands of Hugh’s approval are constantly shifting.

“Now I desperately need Hugh to tell me what I think. Not just about diet, but also about whether I might be a lesbian.

“Also cars, what is a good diesel hatchback? Hugh would know that. And more immediate things, like am I allowed to go to the toilet.

“What I feel towards Hugh is a mixture of love and terror.”





Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

People who flee the UK 'aren't stupid'

FLEEING the UK is an intelligent thing to do, it has emerged.

Researchers into the continuing exodus of Britons have concluded that anyone who exits the country has had at least one smart idea.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “A quick glance out of the window confirms that a mentally capable person with access to air transport wouldn’t want to stick around.

“The challenge is to turn this country around so that the stupid people decide to leave. It basically means changing everything.

“Initially we would want to look at banning films with more than 12 explosions, the phrase ‘oi oi’ and television adverts with appealing animated characters.”

To help start an ‘idiot drain’ the government is already spreading rumours than China has a massive Ibiza-style club scene.

A government spokesman said: “It’s banging over there, totally mental.

“All those big regimented buildings that look like incredibly depressing factories are actually VIP-friendly clubs.

“They’re called things like Coochie Lounge, where they’re having ‘champagne splash’ parties with Danny Dyer playing a funky house DJ set.

“You want to get over there, they have a lot of vacancies for celebrities.”