The Mash Guide to Sharpening Your CV

NOW is the time to think about leaving your old shit job for a newer shit job with slightly better money.

Key to this is a tissue of lies called a ‘CV’. Here’s a section-by-section guide to making yours look good:

This is a relatively simple part of the CV. Essentially you have to remember your name.

However you may have some aliases, especially if you’ve been involved in criminal activity. Corporations will want to know about these as they like to hire people who are good at fraud. Simply put ‘AKA’ after your real name then list your alter egos.

Personal statement
What makes you stand out? It’s good if this bit is about sex. Everyone likes sex so it’s a safe way to create empathy with a prospective employer. Put something intriguing like, ‘I have a dark sexual energy’. Or write this section in the format of an erotic encounter between you and the interviewer.

What are you really, really passionate about? What defines you as a person, makes you feel truly alive? Perhaps it’s ‘socialising’.

Also put ‘going to the cinema’.

Make this bit up.

TIP – Oxford and Cambridge are ‘good’ universities. The ones that have adverts in bus shelters are not.

Previous employment
It’s fine to be general if you can’t remember, ie put ‘something fucking boring’ for ‘some dicks’ for ‘a bit’.

Good – doctor, local councillor. Bad – cellmate.

Notes on presentation
Use a mixture of funny fonts. Alternate big letter, small letter for example ‘I LiKe WoRkInG’.

Rather than sending your CV through the post, make yourself memorable by finding out your prospective employer’s home address and leaving it on their doorstep overnight, weighted down with a dead starling.

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Obama lip-synced during inauguration

PRESIDENT Obama mimed to a backing track while being sworn in as president, it has emerged.

While an audiences of millions heard Obama swear to uphold the constitution of the United States, he was actually promising to sell America to the Chinese.

Mouth expert Eleanor Shaw said: “When asked to repeat ‘I, Barrack Hussein Obama’ he actually said ‘I promise to avenge my brother Osama’.

“After promising to ‘cast the wretches of this godforsaken land down into the copper mines where they belong’, Obama pledged to obtain the role of Lando in the new Star Wars films ‘by any means necessary’.

“The rest of what appeared to be the Oath of Office was in fact a shopping list including salmon and broccoli, and brief snatch of Snoop Dogg’s 1994 hit Gin and Juice.”

White House spokesman Joseph Turner said yesterday: “He’s the President, he can do what he likes.  It was just a bit of fun, apart from the bit about China.”

It is well known that all of Bill Clinton’s public utterances were over-dubbed by an actor, to hide the President’s strong Cornish accent.

Former president George W Bush played pre-recorded versions of all of his speeches while he simply mouthed the narration from the start of The A-Team.