Badger cull 'will trigger shit British film'

THE government has been warned that the badger cull will cause a film with Julie Walters.

Experts believe the premise of plucky underdogs battling heartless bureaucrats in the countryside is irresistible to upper class film producers.

Media analyst Donna Sheridan said: “The government needs to reconsider its actions before something awful is unleashed, or at least given a very limited cinema release before getting dumped on Netflix.

“The film will centre around a recently bereaved housewife who has been giving milk to the playful family of badgers that visits her garden.

“In fact it might even be called Saucer of Milk.

“When she discovers the animals are going to be shot, Walters’s character is forced into action, aided by a band of colourful countryside characters including Colin Firth as a divorced vet who drives a battered Land Rover.”

She continued: “An uptight government official gets sprayed with liquid manure, and there is a heartfelt confrontation between a farmer and his plucky daughter who has an activist boyfriend called Spud.

“Look out too for Cara Delevigne or a former member of Girls Aloud playing a character who dresses like a slut but isn’t actually promiscuous.”

“Towards the end, Julie Walters will be about to give up when she discovers a legal loophole, resulting in a ‘race against time’ to deliver documents to a court when she could probably just phone someone instead.

“The badgers are saved, everyone learns a lesson, and that’s two hours of your life gone forever.”

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Office staff pretend manual worker is invisible

DESK staff at a Swindon company have studiously ignored a maintenance man.

Sales operatives at the telesales firm took pains to not notice the man in overalls, neither greeting him or offering him a cup of tea.

Team leader Tom Logan said: “If I speak to him people might think I know him, or worse still that we are somehow related.

“He’s not like us. Look at him, he’s all leathery and he carries a little ladder around.

“It’s like he’s from another dimension.

“I bet his van is really disgusting, all littered with snotty tissue, crisp packets and unpaid parking tickets.”

Administrator Mary Fisher agreed: “The key thing is not to make eye contact. Then he might speak to me, probably about chips or fighting, and I would have to ignore him.

“One of the team brought in some doughnuts today, I hope he realises they aren’t for him. I don’t want his greasy hands touching them.”

The office workers refused to comment on speculation that the maintenance man earns twice as much as they do.