THEY term themselves ‘boys’ but is the collective noun as in ‘or we’ll get the boys round’ or ‘boys, are you playing nicely’? We sort the boys from the men using it ironically:
The Beach Boys, 1961-ongoing
The suntanned shininess of these surf-loving Californian crooners is a front: they’re a family unit of three brothers, a cousin and bloke from round the corner with a van. They hung around with Charles Manson, and their songs make it clear that when the surf is no longer up you’ll get your arse harmonised. Leave well alone.
Rank: hard as nails
Vengaboys, 1997-2004
Despite only fifty percent of the band being boys, these hardcore Dutch party animals stormed the charts and our hearts in the 1990s, stomping all before them with their mix of inane lyrics and children’s-rhyme-with-a-pumped-up-BPM tunes. If ever asked to get on the Vengabus refuse; it’s a euphemism for kicking the shit out of you.
Rank: hardest lads on the bus
Pet Shop Boys, 1981-ongoing
May not seem hard at first glance, but they’re gay and from North Shields and Blackpool. That was not easy. Kicked the arse of every synth-pop duo in the 80s, leaving Bronski Beat, Yazoo, Sparks and Soft Cell bruised in the gutter. Collaborations with pop thugs Kylie, Dusty Springfield and Liza Minelli left music in no doubt they are the f**king daddies.
Rank: hardnuts
Oak Ridge Boys, 1943-ongoing
A vocal country and gospel quartet from the Southern states of America, over five decades they’ve had 30-plus members averaging sixty years in age, making them pushovers individually, but a formidable force if taken on as a firm in a chickenshack rumble.
Rank: hard en masse
Beastie Boys, 1981-2012
New York hip hop trio who fought for their right to party, dressed up as 70s cops and began the long road to rehabilitating the mullet. That’s a supremely aggressive act perpetrated on society, but the suspicion remains that they project hardness but would back down if it came to an actual ruck. Not one of them has done time.
Rank: hard until bedtime
Backstreet Boys, 1993-ongoing
The best-selling boy band of all-time, these clean-cut balladeers may have named albums Black & Blue and Unbreakable but were notoriously violence-shy in their heyday, never engaging in an on-stage battle with rivals NSYNC at the MTV Awards which left four dead, even though their fans wanted that.
Rank: soft-arses
Boyz II Men, 1985-ongoing
Fooling no one into thinking they’re edgy by changing the ‘s’ in their name to a ‘z’, the Boyz couldn’t even beat Mariah Carey in a chart battle. They’d stand no chance up against Westlife, or Busted, or the Spice Girls. The Sugababes would pound them into the floor.
Rank: zoft az zhite
