BBC accused of broadcasting

THE BBC is under fire for putting famous, expensive people on television, almost like a broadcaster.

Jeremy Clarkson, who earns the BBC millions for a show in which he makes a small man crash cars, is controversially given a share of those millions almost as if he were working for a broadcaster and not a Kafka-esque socialist nightmare.

Culture secretary Jeremy Hunt, said: “When will the BBC learn that paying charismatic stars large sums of money for programmes that the public like to watch is the role of the private sector?

“A state-sponsored broadcaster should by rights show nothing but propaganda for the incumbent government and short films about increasing grain yields, like they used to in the Ukraine.

“I’m imagining something like the Open University programmes from the 1970s but with cruder animation and even bigger ties. The presenters would all be hairy men like Bill Oddie and Chris Searle, although we could maybe bring Maggie Philbin back to add a touch of glamour.

“Surely that would be preferable to Graham Norton, a man-fucking leprechaun who would be happier drinking himself to death beneath a rainbow back in the Emerald Isle.

“My good friends at BSkyB, who I have never met and only deal with through completely deniable special advisers, have found their original shows, which they advertise on every bus stop in the UK, are quite overshadowed by the BBC’s output.”

A proposed amendment to the BBC charter would institute a success cap, modelled on the banking industry, where any programme which received more than a million viewers would be sold to private hands.

Newspaper editor Tom Logan said: “Surely the BBC’s position is untenable. Especially after its Olympics coverage, which has yet to happen but makes numerous references to the Queen going to the toilet.”



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Undercover Boss participant finally gets punched in the face

A CORPORATE CEO taking part in the TV series where bosses spy on their workers has been punched very hard in his richly-deserving face.

Roy Hobbs, CEO of Yum Burgers, lost fourteen teeth from his smug, patronising face while filming the ‘final reveal’ for the popular Channel 4 series Undercover Boss.

In the morally confused show, an executive gains the confidence of their employees by pretending to be a fellow poor person, then spies on them for a bit while it is recorded for the telly.

43-year-old Hobbs had ingratiated himself with diligent maintenance man Stephen Malley, and had planned to congratulate him on stirring toilets for six quid an hour with the desultory gift of a free trip to Thorpe Park with as many Chupa Chups as he could eat.

At the end of his ‘journey’ Hobbs said to Malley: “I’m not actually an out-of-work kidney donor called Nobby Yonquist, I’m Roy Hobbs, chief executive of Yum Burgers.”

Malley responded: “You lying piece of shit.”

He then hit Hobbs in the face, knocking him over the back of a chair. Hobbs’s head hit a glass wall on the way down, prompting momentary concern that he might have been killed.

Lying on the flood covered in blood, Hobbs croaked that he was going to offer Malley a free trip to Thorpe Park.

Malley replied: “You can stick it up your fucking arse, you scumbag.”

Undercover Boss’s team of editors are currently working around the clock to salvage an emotionally-uplifting story from the resulting footage.

Editor Tom Logan said: “We may just have to cut the end scene altogether and just splice in a picture of some nice puppies in a meadow.

“It’ll be a bit out of context but still, they are very cute puppies.”