Footballers get ‘thinking’ coach

THE Football Association has appointed a coach to train players in basic brain use, including moral decisions.

Psychology professor Julian Cook believes thinking could prevent players doing unbelievably stupid things, particularly with relation to racism or getting their friends to film them having sex.

Professor Cook said: “Many footballers lack brain skills, which is why they often own 20 identical Bentleys and find golf fascinating.

“Non-thinking is also clearly the cause of more harmless but nonetheless idiotic behaviour, such as David Beckham deciding to model himself on a Wild West gold prospector.”

Professor Cook’s techniques include teaching players to count to 10 before punching someone for looking at them in a nightclub, and prostitute aversion therapy.

He said: “I present the players with a grotesque dummy of a middle-aged prostitute which is wired to the mains to give a painful electric shock to the genitals.

“Yesterday Wayne Rooney made 146 painful attempts to mount the dummy before shouting ‘Fuck!’ and running off to headbutt a cupboard.”

Professor Cook reported success with his anti-racism workshops, with 23% of players now realising that calling someone a black bastard could be construed as racist.

He said: “Hopefully I have equipped them to deal with challenging intellectual quandaries, such as whether or not to gob on a referee.”



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