BBC acts to stop Danny Dyer films

THE BBC has won public support for its move to stop poor quality gangster films by casting Danny Dyer in EastEnders. 

The production of over a dozen straight-to-DVD feature films including Hard As Nails, Lapdance Boss II and Propah has since been halted.

A BBC spokesman said: “By giving Dyer work four nights’ work a week, we cut the risk of him appearing elsewhere to almost zero.

“Anyone renting a film from Blockbuster will now enjoy a much shorter wheat-from-chaff sorting process.”

The BBC confirmed that it had received funding from the same government trust which financed the moves to Hollywood of Vinny Jones and Martine McCutcheon.

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Teenage mutant ninja turtles breeding in the UK

HUMANOID turtles with weapons skills have become a native species in Britain.

The popularity of a cartoon series in the early 90s encouraged pet shops to irradiate their amphibians, creating muscular amphibious warriors that were commonly named after Renaissance painters.

However the creatures’ high intelligence and obsession with weapons training made them poor pets, and hundreds were released into the wild.

44-year-old Roy Hobbs was fishing in the River Frome when a shuriken star flew past his head.

Hobbs said: “I looked around and there was a five-foot greenish creature with highly defined biceps standing in a reed bed.

“It said something like, ‘Hey dude’. The turtle was with a large otter that it seemed to have adopted as a kind of mentor.”

A spokesman for the Canal and Rivers Trust said: “Increased sightings suggest that teenage turtles have adapted to our ecosystem, supplementing their natural diet of pizza with discarded kebabs and burgers.

“Although not hostile towards law-abiding citizens, the turtles have become increasingly frustrated by a lack of rival ninja clans to fight.

“Anyone dropping litter on the riverbank risks being hacked to pieces in a flurry of swords.”