Cameron announces £10 billion of legacy f*ck-ups

THE prime minister has announced £10 billion in absurd legacy projects that will fail massively when someone else is in charge.

The projects, which are ill-conceived, unworkable and which will cost many, many times their original estimates, have been devised to cause enormous problems for whoever’s in government after 2015.

David Cameron told the Tory conference: “It is a grand tradition in British politics to leave a few ticking time-bombs behind to blow up in the next administration’s face.

“The Millennium Dome, the NHS IT project, and the Olympics – which thanks to the anti-Midas touch of Gordon Brown improbably ended up a success – are a few of the best examples.

“By green-lighting an underwater monorail between Morecambe and the Isle of Man, fitting every native duck with a GPS, and developing a reverse aircraft carrier that flies and to which boats dock underneath, I’m continuing that tradition.”

The Prime Minister caused widespread confusion for not mentioning the HS2 rail link in his speech, forcing a Government spokesman to clarify that one is actually meant to be serious.

Cameron commented privately: “I pity the poor bastard who’s in Downing Street when the bills for this lot come in, with Nick Clegg standing over his shoulder sighing ‘I told you so.’

“God, I hope it’s not me.”

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Unemployed must become Scouts

GEORGE Osborne has told unemployed people that they must earn Scouting badges to keep their benefits.

The plan would teach new skills like hill-walking, lighting fires and playing games of chess with a disinterested vicar.

Osborne said: “People say there are no jobs. But scouts manage to find them simply by knocking on old ladies’ doors and offering to weed their garden for 50p.

“And by working towards your DIY, Astronomy and Customer Contact Solutions Operative badges you can give yourself new employment options.

“To warm down, Akela will organise a game of British Bulldog with 2.49 million people across the entire UK.”

He added: “If you’ve done five years on the dole, we’ll abandon you in the middle of Dartmoor with a compass and a pack of freeze-dried sausages and it’s up to you to get home.

“This will teach pathfinding skills, encourage independence and hopefully thin out numbers.”