Bridget Jones's husband inevitably kills himself

THE husband of fictional character Bridget Jones takes his own life to avoid listening to her incessant bullshit, it has emerged.

Author Helen Fielding described the bloody death of Mark Darcy – played in the film adaptation by Colin Firth – as ‘inevitable when you consider what his life would be like’.

Her new novel, Bridget Jones & Some Shit About Chardonnay, opens with Darcy holding a loaded gun to his forehead while saying, “Shut up! Dear God just shut up for five fucking minutes!”

When Bridget fails to stop bleating on about her petty neuroses, Darcy pulls the trigger and his head explodes “like a big balloon full of meat”.

Distraught Bridget Jones fan Mary Fisher said: “To clarify, does this mean that Colin Firth is actually dead?

“Because if I’ve lost both my favourite fictional character and my favourite actor – neither of whom I would ever even meet in real life – I don’t think I could keep going.

“I would just retreat into some stereotypically modern spinster-ish nightmare of lying under a duvet quaffing diet hot chocolate drinks.”

Clitorally disappointed 43-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “My real-world husband has a bad knee and a three-year-old works BMW that he won’t shut up about.

“What unthreatening fantasy figure remains available to me now?

“Paul Hollywood looks like a badger and everyone in the pop charts resembles the lad that’s bullying my son in school.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

United fans enjoying novelty of detesting manager

FANS of Manchester United are delighted to be launching their first campaign to sack a manager in almost a quarter of a century.

The thrill of seeing their new team below Hull City in the league table has seen success-jaded supporters revitalised by the chance to make Moyes Out banners.

Fan Bill McKay said: “Over the years it feels like I’ve seen every club in the league run into the ground by comically incompetent managers while we sit on the sidelines waiting for our chance.

“I have to admit, I’d given up even hoping.

“But the buzz of seeing us outplayed by West Bromwich Albion in front of a wildly jeering crowd has made me think this could finally be our year. I can’t wait to tear up my season ticket.”

26-year-old Joanna Kramer said: “For as long as I can recall, United have languished at the top of the table.

“But under Moyes, we’re within touching distance of a relegation battle for the first time in decades. God, just imagine, next season our first away game could be with Yeovil Town.”

Fans are desperately trying to find a word for abject failure that rhymes with ‘Moyes’ before results improve.

United manager David Moyes said: “I was brought to this club to do a job, and the board have promised that I will be sacked once our place as a second-tier club is absolutely assured.

“But the fans have to be patient because that could be this season, next season or even the season after. These things take time.”