Samantha Cameron calls off divorce

THE prime minister’s wife has halted divorce proceedings after realising she’d lose a sweet £200-a-year tax break.

Samantha Cameron, sick of the humiliation of being spouse to the country’s pinkest idiot, was set on ending the marriage before realising she’d lose a yearly sum almost equivalent to a bottom-of-the-range iPad Mini.

She told friends: “I had the papers all filled out, and under grounds for divorce I’d written ‘Husband is David fucking Cameron’.

“Clearly this was an absolutely watertight argument which no judge in the land could contest.

“But then I heard about this new tax break and whoa, £200 in ready cash in my back pocket just for staying hitched? And I get that every twelve months?

“Divorce over. Viscount Astor don’t raise no fools.”

The tax break is expected to make divorce virtually non-existent, as couples suffering irretrievable marital breakdown opt to stay together excitedly discussing how they’ll spend a nearly  quarter of a thousand pounds.

Samantha Cameron confirmed that, irrespective of her decision, her torrid extramarital affair with MP Eric Pickles will continue as passionately as ever.

She said: “Pickles completes me.”

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Breaking Bad ends with everyone friends again

THE final episode of Breaking Bad ended last night with everyone becoming friends again.

Teacher-turned-meth maker Walter White apologised to his family and to former business partner Jesse Pinkman after seeing the error of his ways.

Speaking to Pinkman, White said: “I realise now that because of me a lot of bad things happened. I suppose I just wanted everyone to respect me.

“And because of my stupid pride I couldn’t just say ‘I’m sorry’.”

Pinkman replied: “That’s ok Walt. I suppose we all made some mistakes.

“It’s time I went back to college and did something positive with my life. I’m going to be an actual chef, not cooking up drugs but making delicious omelettes and salads.”

White’s long-suffering wife Skyler said: “I’m sorry too, I was such an uptight bitch. Probably if I’d been a bit nicer this never would have happened.”

As the surviving characters gathered by the Whites’ pool to share a beer or soft drink, Walt turned to the camera and delivered a monologue.

He said: “I should have used my talents to help others, instead of being focused only on myself. True respect comes from being a good person.

“Making crystal meth was wrong – in fact you could say I made a real ‘meth’ of things.”

Then Skyler pushed him in the pool and everyone laughed.