Tuesday, 11th May 2021

BBC put on Detention Afternoon for misbehaving little bastards

THE BBC is to ensure the nation’s homeschooled children are disciplined with the launch of free multi-platform punishment content in the afternoons.

Complementing the BBC Bitesize educational programming in the mornings, BBC Detention is an afternoon of relentlessly dull content to penalise children who have behaved badly.

A CBBC spokesman said: “It’s all age-appropriate, from the series Toys You’re Definitely Not Getting After What You Did for primary pupils to Depeche Mode With Dad!, an embarrassing dance workout to torment rebellious teens.

“There’s Classic Detention, an hour of sitting in a desk with the sound of an interesting fight outside you’re not allowed to watch, or Long Silent Car Journeys, filmed from the back seat while driving from Portsmouth to Inverness.

“You’ll Never Have Mates explains why you’re unpopular with everyone, and bedtime stories come from James Corden, Michael Owen and Priti Patel, each reading from a Haynes car repair manual.

“You can trust the BBC not only to educate your kids, but to stamp down on naughty behaviour bloody hard. That’s why you pay your licence fee.”

Mother-of-two Francesca Johnson said: “That’s all very well, but I still regret not just stopping after we’d got a cat.”