BBC tells D:Ream keyboard player to shove it

PRODUCERS of Professor Brian Cox’s Blimey! Planets, Eh? have told him to keep his opinions on music to himself.

The pop-science, grinning haircut had complained that the last episode had insufficient amounts of early 90s house-indie positivity alongside the visuals.

The original edit, which featured Groovejet during the section on supernova explosions and Jack Your Body as Cox explained how the elements in humans were created, was radically altered before broadcast after producers realised it looked and sounded shit.

Cox said: “All that film of me looking dead pensive on a mountain and stars proper blowing up and stuff – it needs a bit of Whigfield behind it.”

But producer Roy Hobbs stressed: “When I worked on The World At War Laurence Olivier asked me to whack up the Wagner during the Auschwitz section.

“If I can tell the greatest actor of all time to fuck off then D:Ream Casio Boy can lick my balls.”

He added: “We’re presenting the history of the universe here so when he’s doing his piece on how everything that ever existed will eventually grind to a lifeless halt in a cold, dead cosmos, I think the last thing we need is someone screeching ‘Acieeeed’ in the background.”

The series will be released as a DVD box set later this year with his earlier documentary Stars & That, Yeah? Right in both their original formats and, at the Cox’s insistence, a version remixed by Frankie Knuckles.



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

There's no shortage of shit jobs, minister tells unemployed

THOUSANDS of jobs involving raw meat and extreme temperatures are there for the taking, the government has claimed.

According to official statistics there are over 240,000 shit jobs currently available in the UK, to anyone with thumbs and one good eye.

Employment minister, Chris Grayling, said: “I hear a lot of people moaning about how there’s no work, but I could go out there and get a soul-crushing piece of shit job today.

“Just this morning I was speaking to the owner of a budget pie factory who’s been trying for weeks to recruit a full-time Gristle Operative to manually unblock his processing tubes when they become clogged with fragments of hoof, sphincter and brain.

“I recently spoke to the manager of a nocturnal call centre where they need staff to ring confused pensioners at 3am and speak in a spooky voice, pretending to be a deceased relative who will be tortured in hell forever unless they buy some guttering.

“People might moan ‘I don’t want to do that, it’s shit’. I’m like yes, I understand, but fuck you.

“You should’ve worked harder at school.

“Or at the very least gone to a fee-paying school and not worked very hard but developed an extensive network of influential contacts who are likely to need a paid golf partner.”

Unemployed man, Bill McKay, said: “The problem is Polish people, coming over here in insufficient numbers to take all the shit jobs and thus give me a bona fide reason to dedicate my life to memorising every episode of Dr Quinn: Medicine Woman.”