BBC to launch Trevor Nelson button

TREVOR Nelson is to be offered as a permanent commentary option for all BBC programmes.

Following Nelson’s stint saying whatever came into his head during the Olympics opening ceremony, viewers will soon be able to hear the DJ describing the images drifting across his frontal lobe as an accompaniment to any BBC output.

A BBC spokesman said: “Trevor’s style is a hybrid of commentary and beat poetry that appeals simultaneously to sports fans, soul music heads and lovers of avant garde spoken word performance who claim the BBC isn’t supporting niche arts.

“Whether it’s asking where he can get a kettle like the one that’s on Eastenders or saying how much he’s scared of bees during a wildlife program, Trevor will be able to bring a uniquely personal perspective to any program.

“It will be particularly exciting during quiz shows, as viewers try to answer the questions at home while Trevor shouts out the names of different pieces of fruit.”

The 48-year-old iPod shuffle, awarded the MBE in 2007 for services to bigging up Britain’s posses, will become a permanent resident of the BBC TV Centre, where he will be intravenously fed a diet of liquidised Monster Munch and value brand orangeade to keep his commentary suitably disjointed and excitable.

Nelson will be the main commentator for the Community Shield match in August between Manchester City and Chelsea, the team he supports when he isn’t plotting the jazz funk revival.

He said: “It’s a great honour to be asked to talk about things all day because oh hang on, a button has just fallen off my shirt. I like shirts. Did they used to have them in olden times when they rode horses?

“I stroked a horse once.”

 

 

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Aidan Burley convinced career is back on track

MP AIDAN Burley last night reassured friends that he is still on schedule to be prime minister by 2017.

The Nazi-befriending Tory said he had successfully defused his latest bout of unprovoked racial ghastliness and was ‘quietly confident’ about his chances at the next government reshuffle.

He added: “As an opening gambit I shall tell the prime minster that, while I am flattered, neither education nor the home office really fit with my long-term plan.

“I can’t wait to see his face.

“I will then remind him, gently, that not only did I work as a management consultant, I also have a degree in theology. At that point he will nod thoughtfully, pick up the phone and ask George Osborne to step aside.

“I have great plans for the economy. My first act as chancellor will be to commission a ‘volks-wagen’.

“I also want to introduce a tax break for people who use the term ‘fuzzy-wuzzies’.”

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “D’you know what? I’m not sure it would make a huge difference.

“The economy is currently being run by a man who believes much the same things as Aidan Burley, though at least has the sense to go on Twitter with the same fake profile he uses to quote Enoch Powell on Daily Telegraph comment threads.

“And at least Burley managed to get through Oxford without being photographed looking like a right fucking nonce.”

Meanwhile, the House of Commons is to create a special backbench for Burley that is so far from the Speaker he will need to send up a flare.