Beach volleyball abandoned after audience hears about the internet

THE Olympics’ main titillation-fest was left deserted yesterday after rumours spread through the crowd of something called the internet, where girls are entirely naked.

Horse Guards Parade had been packed with an almost entirely male crowd who, in an era of unlimited free pornography, were still inexplicably getting their jollies from watching young women playing sports.

44-year-old spectator Tom Logan said: “I couldn’t believe my luck, there I was sitting in the third row, just a few meters from women wearing little stretchy things that show the contours of their lady bits. Cor.

“But when I said as much to one of the security staff, he replied, ‘on the internet, you can see girls that are naked. Actually naked.’ I was like, what is this internet and how I do subscribe?

“I had assumed that sexual mores hadn’t changed since Victorian times. But then I asked a drinks vendor and he concurred that yes, if you electro-browse onto this internet, you can see the lot. Front bottoms, boobies – the works.”

As rumours of the internet spread like wildfire through the audience, hundreds of middle-aged men, many dressed in top hats and carrying canes, abandoned their seats and fled to computers.

Hackney internet cafe owner Bill McKay said: “I was just closing up when about a thousand sweaty, exhausted men who had inexplicably just heard of the internet for the first time turned up saying they wanted to see pictures of ‘lovelies in the buff’.”

Former volleyball fan Stephen Malley said: “It’s true. Naked girls. The internet. Can’t talk. All blood in groin.”



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McDonalds staff going for gold stars

MCDONALDS workers from around the globe are dreaming of finishing the games with coveted gold stars.

Hopeful fryer jockeys from 152 countries have arrived at the Olympic village’s burger 1500-seater burger arena for the world’s greatest meat patty delivery tournament.

The burger-of-champions corporation awards the star badges as a recognition of excellence in disciplines including mop-pushing, pie handling and lettuce placement.

Nikki Hollis, a 23-year-old former hot dog vendor from Nebraska said: “I’ve honed my chip-dispensing action to the point where it’s almost second nature, now it’s my time to shine. Not with oil-infused sweat, but with glory.”

Australian Rob Hobbs specialises in milkshake squirting. He said: “I’ve got the talent and the discipline, the only thing that can stand in my way is funnel blockage.”

McDonalds frying coach Stephen Malley said: “As far as competitive service goes, the biggest danger is that someone orders the unpopular Filet ‘O’ Fish, which can really put you off your stride.”

Meanwhile organisers at the wider 2012 games have discovered a Far East gambling organisation that has been placing bets on when the whole thing will turn to shit.

The syndicate has placed over £50 million on various accumulator wagers such as whether Sebastian Coe vomits over the Queen or the white-water rafting circuit becomes jammed full of stolen shopping trolleys.

A London 2012 spokesman said: “One businessman has placed a £250,000 stake on the national anthems being accidentally replaced with Vol XI of The BBC Radiophonic Workshop album.

“There’s absolutely no suggestion that any athletes have been bribed to fail – with most of the British ones there’d be very little point – but our main objection is that somebody is trying to make money from the quintessentially British pastime of assuming everything is going to be awful.”