THE Olympics’ main titillation-fest was left deserted yesterday after rumours spread through the crowd of something called the internet, where girls are entirely naked.
Horse Guards Parade had been packed with an almost entirely male crowd who, in an era of unlimited free pornography, were still inexplicably getting their jollies from watching young women playing sports.
44-year-old spectator Tom Logan said: “I couldn’t believe my luck, there I was sitting in the third row, just a few meters from women wearing little stretchy things that show the contours of their lady bits. Cor.
“But when I said as much to one of the security staff, he replied, ‘on the internet, you can see girls that are naked. Actually naked.’ I was like, what is this internet and how I do subscribe?
“I had assumed that sexual mores hadn’t changed since Victorian times. But then I asked a drinks vendor and he concurred that yes, if you electro-browse onto this internet, you can see the lot. Front bottoms, boobies – the works.”
As rumours of the internet spread like wildfire through the audience, hundreds of middle-aged men, many dressed in top hats and carrying canes, abandoned their seats and fled to computers.
Hackney internet cafe owner Bill McKay said: “I was just closing up when about a thousand sweaty, exhausted men who had inexplicably just heard of the internet for the first time turned up saying they wanted to see pictures of ‘lovelies in the buff’.”
Former volleyball fan Stephen Malley said: “It’s true. Naked girls. The internet. Can’t talk. All blood in groin.”