Bono to do a shit in your sock drawer

CONCEITED rocker Bono has announced plans for a free gift of a turd among your socks.

He said: “I’m giving something back to the fans.

“Not even just to the fans, also to people who either actively dislike or couldn’t care less about U2 and will be utterly bemused by the steaming Irish log that has appeared in their bedroom drawer.

“The Apple thing could have gone better, but I realised it’s because people want something real and physical in this digital age.

“That’s why you’re getting a part of my soul – the brown part.

“Whether you like it or not.”

Householder Mary Fisher caught Bono defecating in her bedroom: “I punched him in the ear and his stupid shades came off.

“I realised he’s actually got a glass eye.”

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Workers urged to admit they f*cked up

BRITONS have been urged to stop covering their arses when they make a hash of things at work.

“Sorry but I’m only fucking human”

Research by the Institute for Studies found that pathetic excuses and elaborate arse-covering are costing the economy £49 billion per year.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Too few Britons lack the integrity to just say ‘I did it wrong’ and take the consequences like a grown up.

“Mostly they either just blame someone else or write a long boring email highlighting the ‘strengths of the project’.”

Sales manager Emma Bradford said: “The bulk of my working week is spent trying to find scapegoats for my daily cock-ups and generally manipulating things so that I look less useless.

“It would be lovely to just say ‘I did it wrong’ but I am a bad person who will pull any kind of shit if it means I get to buy a Range Rover.”

Council manager Roy Hobbs said: “Last week I launched a ‘Free bikes for muggers’ initiative that in retrospect was a really bad idea.

“Instead of just keeping my head down or being really aggressive to anyone who questioned my judgement like usual, I sent and email saying ‘sorry I fucked up’.

“Everyone thought it was a massive joke because honesty is not practised here.”