ACCIDENT and emergency services can now only be accessed via the internet, the government has announced.‘Right-click if your head looks like this’
Under the new system, sick and injured people must visit A&E.com where they can get advice from doctors and nurses or unqualified agency staff dressed to look like doctors and nurses.
Health secretary Jeremy Hunt said: If you or a loved one is facing a medical emergency, you should proceed immediately to the nearest PC, iPad or outdated internet cafe.
Following a Skype assessment you will be told how to treat yourself.
“In many cases this will be straightforward, such as closing up a wound with toilet paper, Sellotape and a dab of TCP.
In the case of a heart attack, friends of the afflicted will be advised to stick their fingers in a light socket and turn it on and off to act as a defibrillator.
During treatment the atmosphere of A&E will be recreated by having an incredibly pissed girl with fairy wings wandering around the screen calling everyone bitches and slags.
Hunt admitted that a higher mortality rate was to expected among injured people with dial-up, or who live in a shared house where someone is streaming video upstairs.