Brit Awards 'clinically unwatchable', say experts

NEXT month’s Brit awards will be ‘clinically unwatchable’, according to the Royal College of Physicians.

The RCP  had feared an epidemic of severe head injuries and gastro intestinal expulsions, but now say the emergency services can relax as the ceremony will be so bad that no-one will be able to get beyond the first three seconds.

A spokesman said: “It’s physically impossible to watch something with this degree of Fearne Cotton. Your brain would shut down temporarily as a protection measure if you even tried.

“But it’s when you add the all-night presence of James Corden you realise just how little you know about the human body.

“We think that if someone was to even try to watch this man presenting an entire awards ceremony, their face would attempt to turn itself inside out so that their eyes were looking at their own brain.

“And if James Corden then introduces either N-Bubz or Mumford & Sons we think the ears will collapse in on themselves as if they are being crumpled up in the palm of an invisible hand.”

But the RCP said there was even a danger from simply having your television switched on as dreadfulness from the ceremony could leak into other channels causing involuntary absorption by people who were just watching a documentary about crocodiles and wouldn’t know James Corden if he drove past them in his pathetic, ill-gotten sports car.

The spokesman added: “We’re advising people to saw their television in half at least six hours before the broadcast starts, encase it in concrete and then throw it in a canal.”



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Oldham buys miracle health tonic

PURVEYORS of miracle health tonics and herbal hair loss remedies have compared Oldham to a 21st Century gold rush.

The Lancashire town is thronging with shiny, smooth-tongued men who talk too fast, all hoping to cash in on the local population’s deep-seated desire to be lied to.
Nathan Muir, chairman and chief executive of Muir’s Genuine Miracle Vigour Potion, said: “I’ll be completely honest with you, this stuff is just out of date Lucozade mixed with fish paste and battery acid. It tastes like utter bloody hell and almost certainly gives you at least three types of cancer.

“I’ve had a hard time shifting it in recent years, mainly because in all the towns I visit they know I’m lying through my teeth and threaten to set their massive dogs on me. And these are places that have Greggs.

“But Oldham’s different. I don’t know if they’re just catastrophically unintelligent or if they get some sort of cheap thrill from hearing my lies.

“I’ve spoken to a few other scam artists and grifters and they all say that Oldham is a gold mine. In fact, the more you lie to them the more willing they are to reward you for it.

“I’d happily live here if it wasn’t, you know, a fucking shithole.”

He added: “I’ve actually just acquired a truckload of those power balance wristbands. Sweet Jesus Christ, I’m going to be absolutely minted.”

Anne Thompson, 52, who has lived in Oldham her entire life, said: “Eeeeeeh, I do love a right good lie, me.

“Go on, tell me you’re the secret love child of Joe Pasquale and Kirsty Wark.