Brit Awards 'clinically unwatchable', say experts

TONIGHT’S Brit awards will be ‘clinically unwatchable’, according to the Royal College of Physicians.

The group has warned that anyone attempting to watch the two-and-a-half hour Saturday night ITV extravaganza, which should be warning enough in itself, is expected to suffer cranial trauma, gastro-intestinal collapse or blindness. 

Dr Eleanor Shaw said: “It’s physically impossible to watch something with this degree of Roman Kemp. Your brain will shut down as a protection measure if you even try.

“But add that to the performers, which include something known as a ‘Tate McRae’, tables full of record company executives who rip their artists off then demand they dance for them, and of course the Brit School kids down the f**king front. 

“It adds up to a spectacle so repellent, just attempting to watch it will make your face attempt to turn itself inside out so your eyes are looking at their own brain.

“Dua Lipa and Kylie may attempt to duet, in which case we expect your ears will collapse in on themselves as if being crumpled in the palm of an invisible hand. And you’ll be relieved.” 

Shaw added: “Even having your television on is a risk, because other channels have athletics and the Bahrain Grand Prix, so you may well switch over. We advise you saw your television in half at least six hours before the broadcast starts, encase it in concrete and then throw it in a canal.” 

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Oldham buys miracle health tonic

PURVEYORS of miracle health tonics and herbal hair loss remedies have compared Oldham to a 21st Century gold rush.

The Lancashire town is thronging with shiny, smooth-tongued men who talk too fast, all hoping to cash in on the local population’s deep-seated desire to be lied to.
Nathan Muir, chairman and chief executive of Muir’s Genuine Miracle Vigour Potion, said: “I’ll be completely honest with you, this stuff is just out of date Lucozade mixed with fish paste and battery acid. It tastes like utter bloody hell and almost certainly gives you at least three types of cancer.

“I’ve had a hard time shifting it in recent years, mainly because in all the towns I visit they know I’m lying through my teeth and threaten to set their massive dogs on me. And these are places that have Greggs.

“But Oldham’s different. I don’t know if they’re just catastrophically unintelligent or if they get some sort of cheap thrill from hearing my lies.

“I’ve spoken to a few other scam artists and grifters and they all say that Oldham is a gold mine. In fact, the more you lie to them the more willing they are to reward you for it.

“I’d happily live here if it wasn’t, you know, a fucking shithole.”

He added: “I’ve actually just acquired a truckload of those power balance wristbands. Sweet Jesus Christ, I’m going to be absolutely minted.”

Anne Thompson, 52, who has lived in Oldham her entire life, said: “Eeeeeeh, I do love a right good lie, me.

“Go on, tell me you’re the secret love child of Joe Pasquale and Kirsty Wark.