Credit card debtors sleeping like babies

MOST people are managing a sumptuous eight hours sleep a night despite crippling credit card debt, it has emerged.

Researchers have exploded the myth that people with large debts lie awake worrying about bailiffs after finding that most snuggle happily under a Egyptian cotton duvet cover they will never actually pay for.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Increasingly people are recognising that there’s no heaven and even if there was, St Peter would probably tell the bailiffs to go piss up a rope.

“What are they going to do? Jump in your coffin and wait there until you set up a direct debit?

“So we basically have two choices. Stop buying stuff  – it’s all shit anyway. Or buy an insane amount of stuff, sign up with one of those unusual companies that somehow negotiates half of it into oblivion and then eventually die.

“The credit card people will get all upset but it serves them right for doing something so boring in the first place.”

Helen Archer, a receptionist from Stevenage, said: “I may have £16,000 of credit card debt that’s going nowhere fast, but the entire country is up to its nipples in someone else’s money.

“Asking me if I can I sleep at night, is like asking a leper living in a leper colony if he worries about facial lesions.

“If I see a sleep deprived David Cameron, unable to make eye contact with anyone, standing outside Number 10  announcing he has to send 88% of the country into prison for not paying its bills, I might make some hot chocolate.”

She added: “I’ll tell you what does keep me awake at night – the thought of having to live in a bio-sphere.

“I don’t know why, I just think it would be shit.”


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Grant to manage West Ham from circus cannon

AVRAM Grant is to stay on as West Ham manager on the basis he can be fired into the English Channel at any second.

The slowly melting scowl has so far avoided becoming the 3412th managerial casualty of the season, but has been warned that unless results improve he will be ejected from Upton Park at 1,500 mph from a 35-foot long sparkly cannon.

Speaking from the depths of his metal tunnel, Grant said: “I’m hoping to sign some exciting players on loan to ease our selection problems or, if that doesn’t work, to hurriedly evolve a functioning pair of wings.

“This is a results-driven job and I accept that I could be smeared halfway across Calais as the result of eleven millionaires completely ignoring what I’ve politely asked them to do every week since August.

“Every manager in the league faces the same prolonged drum roll and fizzing fuse of pressure. But that’s not the same as actually being inside a cannon.”

He added: “Could you toss down a bag of crisps or something? Whoever’s meant to be feeding me is off sick and they haven’t bothered replacing him.”

Grant took over at West Ham after his predecessor Gianfranco Zola was fed to panthers. His next test will be against a team whose logo is a cannon followed by a difficult away match against Everton after an exhausting 40mph trip up the M6 on a flatbed truck.

Grant said: “The lads are working really hard in training, from what I can see out of the end of the barrel, so hopefully it won’t be too long before the board scale back the threat level to their earlier position of having me constantly followed by a twitchy lunatic armed with a cricket bat.”