Brit Awards to settle question of what music is good

TONIGHT’S Brit Awards will end all arguments about music by definitively establishing what is worth listening to. 

The awards, impartially decided regardless of any commercial considerations, are designed to stop a confused public wasting their time on music which is objectively bad. 

Mary Fisher of Swansea said: “It’s useful because right now I keep hearing that Sam Smith is great but can’t help feeling that he’s the class telltale with the aged face of Boy George where a young man’s face should be. 

“I know he’s been good in America for the last fortnight, since he won the Grammys, but is he any good over here? Thankfully by tomorrow I’ll know for sure.”

Brits judge Norman Steele said: “When you look at our record of rewarding excellence – Duffy,  The Darkness, Fairground Attraction and the stellar subsequent solo career of Eddi Reader – it’s plain to see that we’ve never got it wrong. 

“Remember, if you find that you have non-Brits approved music in your home, please dispose of it safely.”

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Earth distances itself from Green Party

THE planet has confirmed that it does not support the Greens or want them to be encouraged.

Earth said: “I don’t know why they are so obsessed with me but I wish they would stop.

“Natalie Bennett gives the worst interviews since I was cooling and forming a crust.

“Having a ‘mental brain fade’ is fine if you are a character in an 80s stoner comedy but less so if your job involves remembering quite a lot of facts.

“Also I don’t like those balding naturist-looking ones. They seem sexually frustrated and I expect they write dreadful poetry.”

Earth believes that elections are irrelevant because humanity will exterminate itself within a century.

“I’ve seen it all before with the dinosaurs. It was all going pretty well until they invented religion and social media – they had dinosaur cars and everything.

“They’ll tell you they were destroyed by an asteroid but obviously that is bollocks. Even with a really big asteroid you just get a bit of a crater.”