Britain thanks inventor of videotape

BRITAIN has today paid tribute to the inventors of the videotape that was used to record Rik Mayall.

In 1950 American technicians John Mullin and Wayne Johnson developed the grey cellulose strips that 30 years later would finally become useful for something.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “In the 1950s and 60s videotape was used to record variety show duets between Bing Crosby and Petula Clark.

“In the 1970s it was used to preserve depressing things like Northern Ireland and Margaret Thatcher quoting St Francis of Assisi. But in the early 80s video suddenly had a point because now it could be used to record whatever Rik Mayall felt like doing on any given day.

“If it wasn’t for millions of people using videotape to record Rik Mayall on TV, the whole idea of recording anything would probably have been abandoned.

“The Japanese only invented digital discs because all the videotape had been worn out by people watching Rik Mayall.”


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Men with sports cars to use £10k speeding fine as new penis measure

MEN who define themselves with fast cars have pledged to become the first of their ilk to get a £10,000 speeding fine.

The owners of stupid, impractical vehicles went nose-to-nose on the internet to ‘talk up’ their chances of being the first ‘ten grander’.

Julian Cook, owner of a Porsche 911 with a big bit sticking out the back, said: “Right now I’m thinking, M4, Saturday night, 185 miles per hour. Then you all have to give me your wives.”

Martin Bishop, who has some BMW thing that looks like it is from a cartoon, insisted: “It’s not about who’s first, it’s about how many ‘ten granders’ you can afford. I’m going to get three by the end of the year.

“Then you’ll all have to give me your wives.”

Bishop’s wife Susan added: “I’m having an affair with an English teacher.”