Pimm’s voted best drink with vegetables floating in it

SUMMER favourite Pimm’s has once again been named as best alcoholic drink with chunks of vegetable in it.

The drink, which is mixed in a jug with some lemonade, is also the number one thing to be poured into herbaceous borders at summer parties that are trying too hard.

Jane Thompson, fancy party editor of Tatler, said: “Nothing says summer like some gin-based cough medicine served over crushed ice, celery and baked yams.

“I love being served first from the jug, thereby getting all of the ice and all the vegetables to myself.”

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “For me, it’s usually tomatoes, onions, sprouts and an unwashed carrot.”

He added: “I go to a lot of summer parties thrown by tosspots so I always remember to take a plastic bag with me. I can then decant the vegetables and take them home. Saves me about ten quid a week.”

Francesca Johnson, from Hampstead, said: “Pimms is really for people who want to live in Hampstead.

“All the right parties serve their guests Tennent’s Super, cheekily presented in the original can.”


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Schools to teach values, awareness and maybe some maths and English

BRITAIN’S schools are to focus on the key subjects of values, awareness and cultural identity.

Education secretary Michael Gove wants the progress of each pupil to be measured by their Britishness rather than ‘muddying the waters’ with lots of complicated words and numbers.

Mr Gove insisted the country’s education system had ‘suffered from years of left-wing, liberal dogma about values’ rather than focusing on the key, vocational skill of high-quality Britishness.

He said: “By the age of seven a child should know how British they are and how much more British they need to be.

“If they are showing good, strong Britishness then we can begin to introduce some gentle, non-distracting arithmetic.”

But Mr Gove warned that children will not to be taught how to read until there had been a wide-ranging national discussion about what they should read.

He added: “What’s the point of reading if you’re reading the wrong thing? Meanwhile, we’ll have millions of children reading bad books instead of learning how to be British.”

A spokesman for the Confederation of British Industry, said: “You do know the Germans think we’re a bunch of fucking idiots, don’t you?”