Computers now capable of ill-informed opinions

A COMPUTER programme has mimicked a human conversation by ignoring what the other person said and spouting hackneyed, tabloid nonsense.

The program, created by software engineers at Cambridge University, passed the ‘Turing test’ by showing no social skills and rambling on about its own tedious preoccupations.

Programmer Tom Logan said: “I asked how it was today, and it just said ‘dunno, alright I suppose’ then delivered a detailed and wholly inaccurate lecture about the right way to kill a chicken.

“I then asked it what it understood by the concept of consciousness and it talked for 15 minutes about its problems at work, even though I was obviously bored and didn’t know any of the people involved.”

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Sedentary alcoholism is patriotic, say supermarkets

ANY English person not drinking heavily in front of a television is a traitor, the nation’s supermarkets have announced.

In a joint statement, the big four shops, stressed that anyone who rejects their fantastic offers on beer, 42-inch televisions and Chinese-made England flags, hates this country and should go and live in China.

The statement added: “Like all responsible businesses, we are keenly aware of the lack of patriotism in our schools.

“But Britain can make up for that by buying these St George’s-themed nachos. Be proud of how many you are getting for just £1.99.”

England football fan, Norman Steele, backed the campaign, adding: “Deserting your post to go to the toilet or the birth of your first child is a betrayal that leaves your fellow supporters dangerously exposed.

“Watching Only Connect when you could be watching highlights is like machine-gunning the Grenadier Guards.

“Victoria Coren is Lord Haw Haw.”