90 per cent of speeches now end with ‘f*ck all of my haters’

MOST speeches at christenings, graduation ceremonies and conferences now end with the speaker inviting any haters to fuck themselves.

The sign-off, adapted from hip hop culture, is now considered such an essential part of speaking at any public occasion that audiences are disappointed if it is left out.

Susan Traherne, the Lord Mayor of Stevenage, said: “You open by thanking everyone for coming, crack a gag, do the serious bit and then tell the haters to fuck their jealous asses.

“At big occasions, for example a civic dinner, I’ll list the haters individually, for example that broke-dick loser Denys Finch-Hatton, or the cheap bitch whores in charge of the local authority budget.

“It’s good to remember the little people and their bitches.”

The practice has spread to every sphere of society, with actor Bryan Cranston accepting his Tony award and then naming more than 30 haters who could go fuck themselves into a hole in the ground.

Fucking all the haters has also become a common theme in funeral eulogies, school assemblies and weddings.

Wayne Hayes, of Leicester, said: “I properly misted up when my daughter, in her beautiful dress, stood up at her reception to say fuck every one of the hater bitches who doubted her.

“And then she showed everyone her massive gun.”


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£60 fixed penalty for drunk texting

A £60 fixed penalty will be introduced for anyone texting while under the influence of alcohol.

The government said drunk texting – also known as ‘drunksting’ or ‘clinical insanity’ –  takes place mostly late at night and can ruin lives.

A hard hitting ad campaign will show the splayed, broken body of a man who has just received a 3am booty call from an ex he thought he was getting over.

Personal trainer Donna Sheridan, said: “I’m not paying a £60 fine every time I neck a bottle of Goldschlager and feel the urge to remind my ex-husband that he was a sexual catastrophe.

“I’ll just drive round to his house and shout it through the letter box until his neighbours phone the police.”