Undiscovered Amazon tribe predicts England will be eliminated at group stage

AN Amazonian tribe who have no contact with civilization have predicted England will not make it past the first round of the World Cup.

The unknown tribe, who probably have no immunity to the common cold, placed a message in a dug-out canoe and sent it downstream.

The message, discovered by villagers in Fonte Boa in Brazil’s remote Amazonas region, states: “As the Jabiru stork follows the spirit of the river, the tribe that once held the golden orb will be led into darkness by the Roo and his magical hair.”

The message added: “Three-two to Italy and a nightmare against Costa Rica.”

The BBC dispatched Bear Grylls and John Motson to make contact with the tribe, but Motson ran screaming into the jungle after sniffing a massive orange flower.


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Still another 100 days until end of dreary Scottish argument

THE utterly hellish argument about what happens to Scotland still has another 100 days to go, it has been confirmed.

Across the UK, horrified people agreed that it may as well be a thousand.

Tom Logan, a sales consultant from Peterborough, said: “Jesus Christ. Why is it taking so long?”

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, added: “Oh no. Oh please, no. In the name of God almighty.

“I implore the people of Scotland to imagine that the rest of the UK is a badly injured fawn. Please just snap our fragile neck.”

Bill McKay, from Edinburgh, said: “Fuck the pair of you, I have to live here.”