Charles and Camilla attacked by anti-Variety Performance activists

PRINCE Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall were badly shaken last night after their car was attacked by masked thugs, violently opposed to the Royal Variety Performance.

The couple’s Rolls Royce was pelted with missiles near the Palladium Theatre in London’s west end by a gang of left-wing anarchists who believe the annual charity show has become far too varied.

The protesters shattered a window on the royal limousine as puzzled television viewers across the country asked why the Special Branch royal protection squad didn’t just shoot the fuckers.

But Charles and Camilla escaped unhurt and then defied the protesters by bravely watching more than 250 different acts all doing completely separate things.

A spokesman for Socialist Action Against Variety, said: “This is the price the Royal family must pay for years of endorsing annual shows with far too many performers.

“One day our docile, materialist society will realise that performances should either be given by a single artiste or, if multiple artistes have to be involved, then they should all perform the same song.”

The group emerged from the shadows earlier this year when masked hooligans overturned a Variety Club Sunshine Coach full of children on their way to the seaside and then petrol-bombed Jimmy Tarbuck.

The left-wing maniacs have warned that unless the planning committee for next year’s Royal Variety Performance is disbanded they will keep phoning up Susan Boyle while she is trying to watch Crime Scene: Navy Crime.

The royal attack was the culmination of a day of multiple protests in central London including a demonstration by the British Anti-Christmas Tree Society and the Campaign to Piss on Winston Churchill and Call Him a C***.

The Duchess said: “I’m fine, thank you. At least the driver wasn’t shit-faced.”



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Forsyth cracks America

IN a last minute change, CNN has ditched trainee journalist Piers Morgan in favour of Bruce Forsyth.

Forsyth petitioned the cable news giant with an eight hour showreel that came with a box of Cadbury’s Heroes and a covering letter detailing all the ways in which he was more of an all-round entertainer than Morgan.

Larry King Live producer Robyn Davies said: “Bruce wrote a very powerful letter reminding us that Piers can’t sing, can’t dance and just has one of those faces that you could spend all day hitting with a brick.”

Forsyth has been trying to crack America for 63 years and had believed his chance had gone when each of the major networks passed on his live, celebrity version of Play Your Cards Right.

Davies added: “The showreel demonstrated that Bruce had no journalistic skills, his jokes stink like a follow-through in an old folks’ home and he’s a massive ham. And he’s also much cheaper than Piers Morgan.

“Piers was upset at first, but then reminded me that he has lots of powerful friends and that nothing could stop him now.”

The new show will be called Nice to See America, to See America Nice and the first guest will be President Barack Obama.

Forsyth said: “I hope he will enjoy my impersonation of Sammy Davies Jnr.”