Christmas songs ranked from the worst to f**king unbearable

EVERYONE has a least favourite Christmas song, from the creepiness of Roy Wood to Cliff Richard talking shit about God. But which are just the worst and which are absolutely unbearable? 

Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney
Ringo is often remembered as the least talented member of the Beatles, but even he had the talent not to record this twinkling dog-turd. From the Commodore 64 game synth stabs to the half-arsed lyrics, this would be a career low if not for the frog business.

Stop the Cavalry by Jona Lewie
You can have a perky parpy upbeat Christmas song, or you can have a song mourning the senseless deaths of soldiers in war. To try and do both in the same three-minute song is a catastrophic error and it’s we who suffer.

Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses
There was a time in the early 80s when rap was a joke genre only suitable for shitty novelty records produced as desperate cash-ins, like indie is today. A time forgotten until this comes on.

Little Drummer Boy by Bing Crosby and David Bowie
Yes it’s got David Bowie on it. Yes his bit is decent, but only as blessed relief from the endless pa-rumpa-pum-fucking-pums.

Happy Xmas (War is Over) by John & Yoko
The second Beatle in the list, proving once and for all that they were crap. And in ending war, it is crucial that your opponents also want the war to be over or war will continue on a harrowingly one-sided basis.

Do They Know it’s Christmas by Band Aid
In 1984 it was a marvellous charity event that brought the nation together, but the written-in-five-minutes quality shows. Plus surely it’s seditious nonsense to suggest Britain once spontaneously came together to help foreigners.

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Pubs to trial professional lanes

BRITAIN’S pubs will have a section of the bar reserved for people who know what they are doing this Christmas.

With festive hostelries full of people buying coffee with a debit card, sections of the bar will be solely for drinkers who want to get hammered and know precisely how they would like that to happen.

Pub owner Nathan Muir said: “While I’m giving samples of our real ale to some twat who’s just going to order a half of Fosters, I could be serving some very determined piss artists.”

Would-be users of the professional lanes will be assessed on whether they order Guinness before their other drinks, can demonstrate awareness of how long others have been waiting and are able to carry three drinks without a tray.

Festive drinker Nikki Hollis said: “A big glass of white, or a G&T? Or maybe a Tom Collins? I’ve never had one of those before.

“Can you just run through the wine list for me, again?”