Five great places to get a few minutes bloody peace at Christmas

ARE you tempted to cram yourself into the airing cupboard on Boxing Day for some precious ‘me time’? Here are some other excellent places to get away from your bastard relatives.

A desolate supermarket car park

For one day a year a windswept square of tarmac can become a beautiful oasis of peace and calm. Even the litter and dogshit will be more appealing than another game of Dobble.

The toilet

Give yourself an excuse to lock yourself in the toilet. Eat and drink way too much, or perhaps try licking the toilet brush to make yourself ill. Anything that allows you to sit on the bog in glorious, lonely bliss for ages.

The box that held the biggest present

Buy a relative something that requires a massive box like a fridge, then climb in until everyone has fucked off. The bonus is that you’ll look like a very generous present giver, if a bit weird.

The cupboard under the stairs

Offer to go looking for batteries or a corkscrew and bed down in a pre-arranged nest of blankets and a big bottle of gin. If nobody comes looking for you that’s a bit upsetting, but still worth it to avoid listening to Uncle Dave prattling on about Brexit.

Norfolk

Get in the car and drive far away from Christmas to this flat, dark and lonely place. You’ll be the opposite of Chris Rea and you won’t have written a totally crap song about it.