Five great places to get a few minutes bloody peace at Christmas

ARE you tempted to cram yourself into the airing cupboard on Boxing Day for some precious ‘me time’? Here are some other excellent places to get away from bastards.

A desolate supermarket car park
For one day a year a windswept square of tarmac can become a beautiful oasis of peace and calm. Even the litter and dogshit will be more appealing than another game of Dobble.

The toilet
Give yourself an excuse to lock yourself in the toilet. Eat and drink way too much, or perhaps try licking the toilet brush to make yourself ill. Anything that allows you to sit on the bog in glorious, lonely bliss for ages.

The box that held the biggest present
Buy a relative something that requires a massive box like a fridge, then climb in until everyone has fucked off. The bonus is that you’ll look like a very generous present giver, if a bit weird.

The cupboard under the stairs
Offer to go looking for batteries or a corkscrew and bed down in a pre-arranged nest of blankets and a big bottle of gin. If nobody comes looking for you then at least you know where you stand.

Get in the car and drive far away from Christmas to this flat, dark and lonely place. You’ll be the opposite of Chris Rea and you won’t have written a shit song about it.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Middle-aged office worker mortifies younger colleagues by photocopying his arse

A MAN’S younger colleagues were left speechless when he dropped his trousers and sat on a photocopier to show them how we used to enjoy office Christmas parties.

After several glasses of prosecco, senior administrator Norman Steele, 56, decided the time had come to unbuckle and get the party going with some anal duplication.

Steele said: “Back in the day it wasn’t Christmas if you hadn’t plonked your sweaty buttocks on the photocopying machine and run off some copies of your bum crack.

“I made a beeline for the photocopier, undid my belt and hopped up on the glass screen while awkwardly fumbling with my underpants. I hit the green button and smudgy grey images of my bum started pouring out.

“I assumed I’d really broken the ice, but when I looked up they were all just staring at me in horror as if I was a sexual pervert. I think one of them was texting human resources.”

Co-worker Tom Booker, 24, said: “Did people really do that? It’s disgusting. I mean there are serious hygiene issues. And if Norman wanted to expose himself he should really have got our consent.”

Fellow office worker Nikki Hollis, 21, said: “When the photocopies came out I could see a grey blob that I’m sure was one of Norman’s testicles.

“Is this a form of sexual harassment? Do I have to call the police?”