Brexit advent calendar has something bad behind every door

PEOPLE who bought a Brexit advent calendar have discovered it goes on forever and every door conceals an unpleasant surprise.

As well as poor-quality gifts, the calendar has thousands of days to represent future trade negotiations, causing the ‘fun’ festive activity to drag on tediously.

Office manager Martin Bishop said: “We’d expected nice patriotic gifts like some luxury British chocolate, but when I opened today’s door there was just a crappy plastic figure of Andrea Leadsom.  

“On the 14th there was actually some chocolate, but it was that weird American type that tastes slightly greasy. Then on the 19th there was a small wooden banana. I’m not sure what I’m meant to do with that.”

Fellow calendar owner Donna Sheridan said: “My Brexit advent calendar just goes on day after day with no end in sight. I’m getting sick of the whole thing.

“I wouldn’t mind so much if the gifts were any good, but on Tuesday there was just a picture of Liam Fox. I had to go out and buy my young daughter a Freddo to stop her crying.

“And I’m not sure who would want a tiny blue passport that doesn’t serve any particular purpose.”

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Potatoes going to be crispy this year, say lying mums

BRITAIN’S mothers have yet again deceived their loved ones by claiming the roast potatoes will be crispy like the ones in food magazines.

Despite decades of soft, greasy potatoes, gullible families are still being conned into thinking this year they will receive a crunchy, yet still fluffy, miracle.

Mum Carolyn Ryan said: “Every year I make outlandish claims about crispy edges and feathery light interiors, and every year it’s the same yellowish, oily, mediocre potatoes.

“I can make them ‘crispy’ by overcooking them so much you can crush diamonds with them, but even that’s a hassle compared to just sticking them in the oven and having a glass of port.

“Most years I pretend to open the same jar of goose fat that’s been there since 2004 and promise to parboil them. Do I? Do I fuck.

“You’d think they’d learn, but they’re desperate to believe a mum who can produce a decent roast potato really exists. A bit like believing in Santa, actually. Idiots.”

Son Carl said: “I just know in my heart this year’s going to be the one where we have perfect crispy roast potatoes. I love you mum! Your potatoes are going to be the best!”

Carolyn Ryan added: “Nope.”