Compromise version of 'Ding Dong' to be sung by Leonard Cohen

A COMPROMISE has been reached to help Britain solve its Ding Dong the Witch is Dead problem.

With the BBC under right-wing pressure to ban the song, the broadcaster suggested a version sung by Leonard Cohen, the Canadian music poet.

A spokesman said: “The composers of ‘Ding Dong’ intended it to be triumphalist and optimistic. A witch was dead. A wicked witch.

“But while Margaret Thatcher left a divisive legacy, there is no evidence the Wicked Witch of the East took what she felt were the necessary though difficult steps to liberalise the Oz economy.

“She was just horrible and the Munchkins were right to dance around in the way they did.”

He added: “In order to reflect the true nature of Britain’s relationship with Lady Thatcher, a Leonard Cohen version would reflect great joy while at the same time being utterly depressing.

“A bit like The Saturdays doing First We Take Manhattan.”

The corporation said it could also offer a double speed version that would make Cohen sound like an old, wise Munchkin. Like the mayor, or the one with the glasses.

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Middle class man convinced builders like him

A MIDDLE-CLASS man thinks he has a rapport with the people building his extension.

41-year-old IT consultant Stephen Malley has been getting ‘matey’ with the two builders whom he knows only as ‘Brian’ and ‘Pete’.

He said: “Even though we’re from different class backgrounds we’re just all lads together.

“I work from home so every morning I’m like, ‘Alright lads’. To which they reply cheerily ‘Alright’.

“Then I ask them about football, and they say some stuff about cement that I don’t understand.

“I might offer them a ‘cuppa’.

“They’re real men, very stocky. But they see me as one of the boys, even though I’ve got a corporate job and eat cereal bars.

“I expect we’ll all go to the pub together soon, for some pints and banter about our wives.”

Malley’s builder Pete Hobbs said: “Is he gay or something?”