Goal-line technology to bring universal justice

NEW goal-line technology is to be used in everyday life to create a more just world.

An avalanche of three controversial incidents spanning four years has prompted the introduction of goal cameras to the Premier League.

Having solved football, goal-line technology will then be used to resolve issues including capital versus labour, civil liberty versus public order and, most importantly, goal-line technology itself.

Using pinpoint accuracy, it will photograph controversial events as they happen. This could be a missile launch, a kiss between siblings or an argument about whether a burger is fully barbecued.

These will be relayed back to a specially appointed World Referee, who will be able to make a final decision that will satisfy everybody and make disagreement a thing of the past.

Inventor Julian Cook said, “As the late Margaret Thatcher would have put it, ‘Where there is discord, may we bring goal-line technology. Where there is error, may we bring goal-line technology. Where there is doubt, may we bring goal-line technology.'”

“Unfortunately, there was no goal-line technology back in 1979. Otherwise, we would have known for certain whether she was right or not about Thatcherism, and we would not be living in such a divided society.”

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Straight men challenged to actually have sex with Ryan Gosling

HETEROSEXUAL men who claim to fancy Ryan Gosling are being offered sex with him.

The handsome actor said he is tired of straight guys saying they want to sleep with him, just because it’s trendy.

Gosling said: “All this ‘gay for Gosling’ stuff does my head in. I’m a serious actor stuck in the internet meme ghetto, like a chiselled vest-wearing kitten.

“Also, shouldn’t the phrase be ‘bi for Gosling’?

“Anyway, I’m going to be in this hotel room, naked, if any hetero man wants to pop in for anal sex.

“Or you could just bathe me, whatever.

“I’m not gay either, I’m just tired of this shit.”

Father-of-two Julian Cook said: “I can’t believe Gosling’s thrown down the gay gauntlet.

“Now I’m forced to admit that I would never touch a penis other than my own, regardless of who it’s attached to.”

Straight advertising executive Tom Logan said: “I must distance myself from previous online comments about Gosling.

“No way am I doing bum stuff. Apparently you go to hell for all eternity.

“I’d touch his hair, that’s as far as I could go. But only if my wife said it was ok.”