Vatican computers exorcised

THE Vatican’s IT system fell victim to demonic possession, it has been claimed.

A Vatican spokesman said: “Satanic forces took hold of our PCs, manifesting images of transgender porno divas, in particular the succubus Tiffany Starr.

“I understand the demons also logged onto xhamster for a bit and browsed around the ‘Amateurs’ section.

“All our machines have since been doused with holy water and equipped with spiritual firewalls.”

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BBC coverage of Thatcher’s funeral pre-emptively slammed

THE BBC’s live coverage of Baroness Thatcher’s funeral next week has been slammed for its bias, incompetence and lack of respect.

Critics of the corporation have accused it of exploiting the linear nature of time to disguise yet another disaster.

Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre said: “The BBC has shown spectacular arrogance, thinking it can get away with monumental failings simply because they have yet to occur.

“Like everyone else in attendance, I’ll see the funeral conclude with the heavens opening, a host of Disney-style animated cherubs descending and Baroness Thatcher escorted to heaven to sit at God’s right hand.

“But when I come around from my grand mal seizure my PA will tell me that the BBC hadn’t shown one single second of it, preferring to focus on a masked lesbian booting in the window of a Foxton’s.”

56-year-old Telegraph reader Tom Logan agreed: “Why will Jon Snow be wearing a red bow tie? Because of the extreme socialist bias of the BB-Marxist-C, that’s why.

“Though I probably will enjoy the surreal, disjointed and cheerfully insane commentary from Trevor Nelson on the red button.

“Or will that be one of the voices in my head?”