WAKING with a hangover which, if plugged into the national grid, could maintain a small town’s electricity supply for a month, I reflect on a momentous week for my ministry.
For several weeks, there has been concern that the services I have conducted at the Abbey have become overcrowded. It seems I am a victim of my own success. Seats in the pews are at a premium, with standing room only in the aisles.
Health & Safety have threatened to withdraw our certificate, and the rowdy behaviour of some parishioners as they spill out onto the street after my livelier sermons has prompted local residents to raise a petition calling for the closure of Westminster Abbey.
In an effort to ‘thin the herd’ I have tried a number of tactics; most recently spitting on parishioners from the pulpit in the manner of a ‘punk rock’ musical act, but this only seems to redouble their enthusiasm.
Finally, at the suggestion of one of my clerks, I have instigated a set of strictly temporary measures. I have restored hymns to my services. I have adopted a more theologically conventional approach in my sermons regarding the existence of God. I no longer drink rum during my addresses and have cut out swearing altogether. I am also turning a blind eye to abusers within the Church of England. And it has worked. Attendances are now down to the abysmal levels enjoyed by my predecessor.
The issue thus temporarily resolved, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Nigel Farage has addressed his top priorities since the council elections – attacking autism diagnoses and banning non-British flags, including Ukraine’s, from town halls.
Christ on a fucking e-bike, when will the thick-as-Boxing-Day-shit British public realise you’re a frog-faced fascist fraud, one part ego and one part evil? What actual constructive plans do you have beyond sucking Trump’s cock, surely what’s behind this Ukrainian flag non-issue? As for trying to raise a hue and cry against autistic kids – yeah, that sounds fucking worthwhile, Nigel! But if half the public can’t see through Farage, the BBC are fucking worse. Have you considered a day off platforming this cunt? Or is that a lack of ‘balance’ in your your reporting of blatantly self-serving right-wing fucking parasites?
In the Telegraph this week Allison Pearson wrote a column to mark VE Day, in which she worried that the indigenous population of London has more than halved in half a century.
Yeah, having conquered a foe in World War II hellbent on white supremacy, let’s mark the fucking anniversary of VE Day by raising the alarm about the number of non-whites in the capital city! Great timing – there’s such an obvious connection between defeating the Nazis after six long, bloody years of conflict, and people who think there’s too many bloody foreigners and they need to fuck off to ultra-Caucasian shithole towns in Essex! They should get their own monument and a fucking flypast!
Robbie Williams has put on an exhibition in London entitled Radical Honesty. Costing £20 per visit, it features slogans plastered across the walls that include ‘I’m sorry about being incredibly charismatic/ I tried to not be but there was nothing I could do about it’ and ‘You are comfortable feeling uncomfortable. Change that’.
Fuck my dead dog with my dead dog’s severed cock, if anything should be plastered across the walls it’s you, Robbie, you godawful, bloviating, vast emptiness of a super-rich twat! Is there no one in your life prepared to kick you up the arse and remind you of your amoeba-like station in the talent pool of humanity? Who lucked out on an obscene scale thanks to the collective fuckwittery of the Nineties? Is there really a shortage of candidates to administer kicks, punches or eye-pokings until you realise no one’s interested in your self-obsessed wank? You’d think there’d be a fucking queue!
Finally, US security advisor Stephen Miller has said that teachers are trying to turn children trans. ‘It is child abuse to change a child’s gender,’ he said. ‘If a five-year-old or a six-year-old goes to school and the teacher tries to turn the boy into a girl or the girl into a boy, that is child abuse.’
And this is happening precisely fucking where, you parody of a pinheaded Nazi fucking functionary? Are the liberals herding the kids into some diabolical trans machine and they’re coming out the other side non-binary? Probably not, and it speaks fucking volumes about how genuinely, collective thick America is right now! The latterday equivalent of a Tyrannosaurus Rex: huge, terrifying and dominant but with a brain the size of a fucking walnut!
