Countdown In Crisis: Numbers Round Outsourced To India

COUNTDOWN is to outsource its numbers round to India following major budget cuts by Channel Four.

Krishna Brahmagupta, who holds a first in applied maths from the University of Jalalabad, is to replace Carol Vorderman, but will present the round from a call-centre in Bangalore.

However, in a gesture of goodwill to the many elderly people who watch the show he will give his name as Jeff and pretend to be from Warwickshire.

Mr Brahmagupta said: "You are wanting one from my bottom and five from my top. How is the weather where you are today? Here in Warwick it is currently 112 degrees.

"So I am now adding the five and the two and multiplying this by the 50. Meanwhile I am subtracting the three from the seven and then by adding it altogether it is now presenting us with 354.

"It is most easy and I am wondering what in the name of Lord Vishnu is being wrong with your education system?"

Channel Four have offered Mr Brahmagupta, currently director of IT for the Tata corporation, a generous package which will see his salary double to more than £6000 a year.

He added: "I am wishing best of luck to Carol in her promoting of FirstPlus and special detox of urine."

Further cost savings will come from replacing lexicographer Susie Dent with a Jolly Phonics talking dictionary and cutting the conundrum from nine letters to four.

Meanwhile, the Daily Mash has unveiled its latest major news event logo to reflect the nation's growing concern over the future of Britain's favourite word and number game.

A spokesman said: "Consonant. Consonant. Three Vowels. Consonant. Vowel. Consonant."

He added: "And another consonant."


Have you been affected by the Countdown Crisis? Call 0800 998 6666 and ask for Terry.


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We Can Win Masterchef And University Challenge, Says Scolari

CHELSEA coach Luiz Felipe Scolari believes his team can win all three domestic trophies, the Champions League, University Challenge and Masterchef.

The Brazilian insisted his squad is strong enough to conquer Europe and, for the first time in its history, take the title of best amateur cook in Britain.

He said: "Frank Lampard has developed the most exquisite game terrine with cranberry jam.

"It will make all other food seem weak and badly organised. Let's just hope he doesn't fuck off to Inter Milan."

He added: "Deco has been working on a marinated rack of lamb in training. It'll get us through the regional heats but it still needs a lot of work."

Chelsea failed to win a trophy last season after finishing second to Manchester United in the Premier League and Europe, and then being edged out by Christ Church College Oxford in the final of University Challenge.

This season Scolari is expected to play Michael Ballack alongside Claudio Pizarro, combining the German's strength with science questions and the Peruvian's ability to identify any country just from looking at an outline.

The former Portugal coach said: "If the league schedule permits I'd love Ashley Cole to have a go at Mastermind.

"There is absolutely nothing that boy doesn't know about Rogers and Hammerstein."