COUNTDOWN is to outsource its numbers round to India following major budget cuts by Channel Four.
Krishna Brahmagupta, who holds a first in applied maths from the University of Jalalabad, is to replace Carol Vorderman, but will present the round from a call-centre in Bangalore.
However, in a gesture of goodwill to the many elderly people who watch the show he will give his name as Jeff and pretend to be from Warwickshire.
Mr Brahmagupta said: "You are wanting one from my bottom and five from my top. How is the weather where you are today? Here in Warwick it is currently 112 degrees.
"So I am now adding the five and the two and multiplying this by the 50. Meanwhile I am subtracting the three from the seven and then by adding it altogether it is now presenting us with 354.
"It is most easy and I am wondering what in the name of Lord Vishnu is being wrong with your education system?"
Channel Four have offered Mr Brahmagupta, currently director of IT for the Tata corporation, a generous package which will see his salary double to more than £6000 a year.
He added: "I am wishing best of luck to Carol in her promoting of FirstPlus and special detox of urine."
Further cost savings will come from replacing lexicographer Susie Dent with a Jolly Phonics talking dictionary and cutting the conundrum from nine letters to four.
Meanwhile, the Daily Mash has unveiled its latest major news event logo to reflect the nation's growing concern over the future of Britain's favourite word and number game.
A spokesman said: "Consonant. Consonant. Three Vowels. Consonant. Vowel. Consonant."
He added: "And another consonant."
Have you been affected by the Countdown Crisis? Call 0800 998 6666 and ask for Terry.