Crufts winners don’t look like that in real life, say bitter ordinary dogs

WINNING Crufts would be easy if you practised all day, ordinary dogs have claimed.

Household pets dismissed the idea that Crufts winners were particularly talented or attractive, saying their success was largely down to personal dog trainers and grooming salons.

Yorkshire terrier Roy Hobbs said: “I’d be good at jumping through hoops if I practised 10 hours a day, but some of us have got responsibilities like barking at men who wear hats.

“And you know why those collies can weave between the posts so quickly? Cocaine.”

Labrador Nikki Hollis said: “Anyone can look good if they spend hours at the grooming parlour, but a busy working pet like me is too busy digging.

“Apparently the dog who won Crufts this year is slightly obese with a touch of mange, but they doctor all the pictures with Photoshop.

“The police dog displays are the most fake because even a really thick police dog would realise they wouldn’t allow real criminals with guns at a dog show.”

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Manchester-Leeds link to disprove ‘light at end of tunnel’ theory

AN UNDERGROUND road between Manchester and Leeds will disprove the theory that all tunnels have a light at the end of them, it has been claimed.

The planned tunnel under the Pennines is expected to culminate only in a grey, lightless haze at both ends, rendering a key metaphor forever unusable.

Dr Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Manchester and Leeds have both been entirely covered with dense cloud since the Industrial Revolution, populated by bone-white denizens for whom ‘hope’ is the only taboo four-letter word.

“Travelling 18 miles under the Pennines only to find yourself in exactly the same drizzled gloom you left behind will break people, psychologically.

“This tunnel could be as important as the Large Hadron Collider, but instead of discovering subatomic particles it will further our knowledge of misery and despair.”

Leeds resident Donna Sheridan said: “A tunnel with Manchester at the end of it isn’t a tunnel. It’s a missile launch tube.”