Derren Brown using fake audience

DERREN Brown was last night accused of using a fake audience for his latest hypno-stunt.

Brown’s Apocalypse TV show involves hoaxing a moron into believing in zombies as part of an experiment to find out how many cretins Britain currently has.

But reactions to the show have been so surprisingly idiotic that critics claim the audience must be actors.

Julian Cook, the Beadle Professor of TV Hoaxes at Roehampton University, said: “Viewers were either amazed, looking for ways to prove it was a fake, or cleverly pointing out that Brown is wearing a fancy little hat just like the man in The Truman Show.

“Meanwhile only two people pointed out that the programme was not about the victim, it was about the audience.”

He added: “If Britain really is this stupid then why isn’t every square inch of it on fire?”

Cook also believes the ‘two people’ who said it was ‘about the audience’ was probably just Derren Brown using fake names in order to confuse everyone.

But professional blogger Martin Bishop insisted the audience is genuinely dense but has been hand-picked by Brown, adding: “A quick Google search reveals most of them are trained fucknuts who are available to be stupid in a range of regional accents.”

Brown has an impressive track record for uncovering mass stupidity but has aways been able to prove that his idiots were real. In a Twitter statement he said: “I NEVER EVER use a fake audience. That’s why my houses are so enormous.”

Professor Cook said: “There is the possibility that it’s an experiment to see if Britain really believes that it’s that stupid. Or that it really believes that it believes that it’s that stupid.

“Why don’t we have anything better to do?”


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(Black) cat's entertainment

BLACK-COATED feline Martin Harper casts a Halloween-themed cat’s eye over Tim Burton’s Frankenweenie.

Personally speaking, a film about someone bringing a dog back to life is always going to be hard to relate to.

You’re dead Mr Dog, you got run over and all your insides squirted out of your mouth and bum. That’s your karma for all that chasing and barking, motherfucker.

But if you can deal with the ridiculous premise it’s a pretty good movie, although not very scary.

It’s all about love, loss and friendship, whereas I’m only really interested in predation and getting near to heat sources (someone should do a film called Rayburn, I’d definitely watch that).

Speaking of predation, I once goaded a shrew for nine hours. The secret is letting them run far enough that they’ve got a real sense of hope, then you jump on top of them so that they momentarily think there’s been a total eclipse.

Anyway, the movie.  You’ve got to admire Tim Burton’s unique directorial voice, but for Halloween kicks you’d be better off renting a proper screamfest like the original Nightmare on Elm Street.

Elm Street is the story of a bizarrely-dressed pervert who causes havoc from beyond the grave. It’s almost like watching the news, but with better special effects.

I like Ring too, because the witch in it has really thick black hair.

When I’m watching it with friends I like to say ‘I feel weird, like I’ve swallowed a tiny witch’ and then hawk up a hair ball which always brings the house down.