Disney announces first animated film character who is not an annoying smart arse

DISNEY’S Frozen 2 will feature a character who is not constantly making snappy wise cracks, it has emerged.

In a radical shift away from animated film tradition, the film includes a character called Susan who talks normally instead of having a punchy, witty response to every situation.

A Disney spokesperson said: “We’re keen to move away from the animation stereotype of irritatingly over-confident chipper characters who talk in a perky, rhythmical manner that makes you want to kick them off a cliff.

“Susan is a girl who works in a shop and speaks normally instead of in a sequence of forced, funny retorts.

“For example, in a scene where she falls down a tunnel Susan doesn’t say ‘We’re in a hole lot of trouble’, the more obvious ‘Hold onto your hats, compadres’ or start singing a song about growing as a person.

“She just falls down the hole, looking really scared and squealing a bit, then lands in a heap at the bottom, groaning in pain.

“At the point you might expect a one-line zinger about her ‘butt’ but instead she just says ‘Jesus Christ my leg really hurts’ then hobbles off.”

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Nation ready to do whatever beer mat says

BRITONS will do whatever a Wetherspoon beer mat tells them to do, it has emerged.

Renowned as hubs of intelligent political debate, Wetherspoon pubs now feature pro-Brexit beer mats, tapping into mankind’s instinctive respect for anything written on an absorbent card square.

Wetherspoon regular Wayne Hayes said: “If a beer mat says to leave the EU then that must be the right thing to do. 

“Usually beer mats just tell me what time sporting events are on, or suggest I should be drinking more Guinness, but if a beer mat told me to jump off a bridge I’d do it without hesitation.

“It’s a good job there isn’t a beer mat that says ‘burn down a nearby post office’ otherwise I’d be in prison right now.

“The beer mat is such a powerful medium because the three-second periods where my pint is in the air and the mat visible are exactly as long as my attention span.”

Meanwhile the pro-Europe campaign has spray-painted ‘Britain Stronger In Europe’ on the side of a cow that lives beside the M4.