Drone attack kills end-of-level baddie

THE tricky boss at the end of level five of War on Terror has been killed by Americans, it emerged last night.

Ilyas Kashmiri, aka ‘Beard Boss’, believed to be one of the hardest bosses to kill, succumbed after repeated missile hits to his single weak point.

War on Terror analyst, Bill McKay, said: “Despite being only able to move in straight diagonal lines, Beard Boss’s immense physical size and lethal beard-whipping attack were a fearsome combination.

“Attempting to kill him, America’s top strategists launched and lost 43 drones over a relentless 48-hour War on Terror session during which five KP Skips variety packs and 18 litres of Sprite were consumed.

“At about 4am yesterday morning, it was noticed that Beard Boss’s vulnerable neck became temporarily exposed every time he flailed his facial hair in a characteristic mace-like attack.

“Indeed this was his inevitable Achilles’ Heel and after 15 direct hits he exploded, creating a massive points bonus for the Americans and NATO and facilitating their progress to level six, which is subtitled ‘Secrets of Pakistan’.”

Gamers are still debating why Beard Boss was killed after Osama bin Laden, with many expecting to have to kill the Al Qaeda chief at the end of level 12.

Martin Bishop, 32, said: “Who is the final baddie? I’m starting to think Donald Trump was right and it’s actually going to be Barack Obama.”

Meanwhile there is increasing speculation that a bug in War on Terror makes it impossible to complete.

US General Stephen Malley said: “There are theories about a coding error which create new baddies faster than you can actually kill them.

“It’s eerily similar to the problem everyone had with Jet Set Willy on the ZX Spectrum.”

 

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Murray immortalised as footnote in world's most boring rivalry

ANDY Murray will be remembered as the guy Rafael Nadal usually beat before he beat Roger Federer in the French Open final, it was confirmed last night.

The plucky Scot has finally secured his place in the modern game as one of the one’s that someone might remember in some unimaginably futuristic edition of A Question of Sport.

As the International Tennis Federation officially lost count of the number of times Nadal has lifted the trophy at Roland Garros after beating his Swiss rival, attention focused on those other players who have played a key role in creating one of the most grindingly tedious sagas in the history of running around after a ball.

Julian Cook, professor of tennis at Reading University, said: “In 50 years time when someone is asked who Rafa Nadal beat in the 2011 French Open semi-final they will now be able to guess that it was Andy Murray with a high degree of confidence.

“Only Novak Djokovic now stands between Murray and something that is almost immortality and therefore, by definition, absolutely nothing like it.”

Murray’s sponsors are also keen to commemorate his achievement with the Royal Bank of Scotland unveiling the slogan ‘partners in world class disappointment’.

Meanwhile organic cereal maker United Global Industries is to change the packaging of their popular Choccy Blobs to read, ‘All the vitamins you need for a semi-final thrashing’.

Professor Cook added: “Finals are only possible because of semi-finals. Indeed you could say that the two semi-finals are really the parents of the final which of course makes Andy Murray the father of something that is quite incredibly dull.

“I think that’s something we can all be very proud of.”