Of course it was beansprouts

AN inquiry was launched last night into why it has taken more than a week to trace the Ecoli outbreak to the foulest of all vegetables.

As hundreds of innocent cucumbers were dragged behind horses through the streets of Hamburg, beansprouts, the weasels of the vegetable kingdom, watched and cackled from an upstairs window.

But now the tasteless, wind-inducing perverts are on the run after scientists confirmed what everyone had suspected all along.

Roy Hobbs, an amateur biologist from Grantham, said: “Of course it was. Why do we always try to be too clever? Will we never learn that in any potentially complicated situation the most obvious answer is always the right one?

“I said to my wife last week, ‘I tell you now, this is beansprouts and we appease them at our peril’.”

He added: “It’s probably too late to stop them. The genie is well and truly out of the bottle of beansprouts. That said, I think  we should still take this opportunity to put all the vegetarians in special camps.”

Meanwhile, the discovery is a victory for Tom Logan, a wild-eyed, unshaven man who has been standing on a wooden box in Parliament Square for the last 10 days wearing a placard which reads ‘yeah, and ye shall know its name and it shall be beansprouts’.

He said: “They will come unto us in their little tinfoil boxes after being cooked by busy, no-nonsense Chinese people who we are too scared to argue with.

“They will worm their way into our gentle stomachs and ferment their evil and we will be sore afraid and gassy.

“But through faith, and perhaps having the fried noodles instead, we can send them back to hell.”



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Lads' mags lack the integrity of 'Knave', says Cameron

MODERN magazines like Nuts lack the unpretentious honesty of Razzle and Knave, according to the prime minister.

David Cameron launched a scathing attacked on mainstream so-called ‘lads’ mags’ last night, claiming they fuel a culture in which young men lack the depth of character to buy decent British pornography.

He said: “Knave, Fiesta, Razzle – these magazines were unbreakable lynchpins of our pornographic culture for much of the post-war era.

“There was no flimsy editorial attempting to disguise them as anything other than self-pleasuring material, except perhaps the odd article about dragsters.”

In a speech, which experts say may have been about the Big Society, he added: “Their purchase required nerve and back bone. Usually you would supplement your choice with a chocolate bar or a bag of Quavers in order to reduce your shame to acceptable British levels.

“Indeed, in these simpler times, one could chart the progress of the young British male, first through the Beano, Shoot! and 2000AD and then on to a five year immersion in the loving bosom of Knave before emerging into adulthood and a subscription to What Car?.

“This process was a vital rite of passage for youngsters but now we live in an age where ‘artistic’ images of heavily photoshopped girls in a stilted lesbian shower scene have replaced terrifying Toyah Wilcox lookalikes and sordid close-ups of puzzling things that looked like roadkill badgers.”

Calling for tighter regulation of the way ‘lads’ mags’ are sold, Mr Cameron said: “If you buy a copy of Nuts you must present it at the counter and say loudly and clearly, ‘although I may glance at the football and the Peter Kay jokes, I will mainly be masturbating this evening’.

“Only then can this lost generation begin to reclaim its dignity.”