ARE you a complete bastard in need of a holiday? Here are five destinations that will sate your worst instincts:
While you bang on about how Covid lockdowns were an infringement on your human rights, why not have a glamorous holiday in a place built using forced labour where you could be thrown in jail for shagging your girlfriend or saying a rude word in public? Top tip? If you’re able to overlook the human rights abuses used to create them, the shopping malls are wonderful.
There’s a lot to love about Thailand, but real wankers are only heading out to Bangkok to drink cheap beer and take illegal substances at full moon parties, all under the guise of ‘finding themselves’. Top tip? Given the harsh drug laws in the country, the place you are most likely to find yourself is in prison for a couple of decades.
The Cayman Islands represent a real ‘home away from home’ for some Brits, mainly because tax-evaders like to pretend their businesses are based here. Enjoy paying $12 for a single pint and knowing none of your money is going to supporting the infrastructure of the island. Top tip? If you get bored, play a game of ‘Spot the British MP on an all expenses paid jolly’.
If your idea of a thrill-seeking adventure is taking a guided tour of an impoverished, miserable country with a nuke-obsessed dictator, you’ll love North Korea. Never mind that you’re funding Kim Jong-un’s excesses through your morbid tourism. Top tip? For an extended stay, try to take a photo in an unapproved area.
Flashy bastards love Las Vegas for its unbearable heat, vile architecture and undercurrent of sleaze. If you insist on holidaying here, you – Actually, on second thought, go. Head to a casino and dump your life savings into the slots, you prick. Top tip? If you marry a stranger in a 24-hour chapel, you aren’t living a spontaneous, romantic dream. You’re a moron.