FIFA 15 knows which players are secretly gay

THE new FIFA game is so realistic that it knows if players are smokers, drug addicts or closeted homosexuals.

The information, based on motion capture research, can be used for distracting players mid-match.

Gamer Tom Booker said: “I was two-nil up when, during a tackle, the opposition midfielder unexpectedly slipped my striker his phone number.

“After that the controls went shaky and the camera wouldn’t focus on any other players.”

Programmer Julian Cook said: “With the right algorithms you can tell which players are gay, which are still denying it even to themselves and which meet for trysts in anonymous airport hotels during international breaks.

“We’ve included that as an unlockable minigame, not that any gamers would want to bother because they’re all very secure in their heterosexuality.”

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Gerrard blamed for everything

STEVEN Gerrard is responsible not only for Liverpool’s poor start to the season but all war, disease and famine, it has been claimed.

Researchers believe that the former England midfielder’s ability to lose possession and fall over at key moments is merely the outermost fringe of a massive favourable outcome vacuum.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “He is a jinx on a global scale.

“Whether it’s a half-witted attempt to head the ball that sets up a calamitous goal or a hurricane on the other side of the planet, all bad occurrences stem from Gerrard.”

The solution to what the UN has labelled ‘the G factor’ is not immediately apparent.

A UN spokesman said: “We can’t nuke him as it’s not really his fault. Perhaps he could be locked away in a lead box buried deep within the earth.

“Give him some football magazines and a torch to read them by, meanwhile all war will cease and the sun shine brightly forever.”