Spurs takeover off after bidders watch them play

INVESTORS have withdrawn a bid for Tottenham Hotspur after seeing them in action.

Going to try eBay

Cain Hoy executives attended Wednesday’s Capital One game against Nottingham Forest to give them a taste of the team in action but during a goalless first half several of them slipped into mild comas.

Consortium head Nikki Hollis said: “We’d had a chat with Malcolm Glazer about how investing in English football was a great way of making a fortune without doing any work.

“He also recommended it as a way of annoying millions of arseholes which, while not financially lucrative, is always fun.

“But Erik Lamela? Chas and Dave?

“No.”

Hollis said: “Oh, and the pies? Seriously, what the fuck?”

Spurs had hoped the investment would allow them to purchase their first striker since Jurgen Klinnsman and employ a songwriter to create a chant that does not involve Arsenal.

Cain Hoy were due to make a cash offer for the team in the region of eight figures, if you include the two numbers after the decimal point.

An earlier ‘one billion’ valuation of the club was dismissed, unless the currency in question was the Mark during the hyperinflation-hit Weimar Republic of the 1920s.

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Salmond offered Syria

ALEX Salmond has been asked if he would like to run Syria for a bit.

The Scottish First Minister, who still has ‘lead a nation’ on his To Do list, has been offered the post because of a shortage of non-genocidal candidates.

UN secretary-general Ban Ki-Moon said: “We were wondering who could draw a disparate nation at war with itself together under a threadbare banner of nationalism.

“Salmond’s got a track record of not-complete failure and if he can fool one nation with a string of vague utopian promises, he can do it with two.

“They even wear skirts. It’s ideal.”

Salmond is seriously considering the idea, but is annoyed that he was the UN’s second choice after they were turned down by Sven-Goran Eriksson.