Five not-at-all racist or sexist reasons why gammons can't stand Alex Scott

WITH former England footballer and TV presenter Alex Scott set to take over from Sue Barker on A Question Of Sport, our panel of gammons explain why she’s the wrong choice.

She won’t know enough about our national heritage

There’s an obvious reason why Scott won’t understand Britain’s culture – she’s too young. At a mere 35 years old she’s probably never heard of the 1966 World Cup. And does she know all four verses of the National Anthem? I bet Sue does.

She’s got a man’s name. What’s that about?

That’s just going to confuse viewers. In sport, you’ve got Alex ‘Hurricane’ Higgins, Alex Ferguson – and now a woman called Alex? How am I supposed to explain that to my four-year-old boy?

Suppose she gets pregnant? 

What if she suddenly goes off on indefinite paid maternity leave, like women do these days? I can’t believe the BBC would take such an irresponsible risk with an important programme like A Question of Sport. And who do you get then? The boxer Nicola Adams? Then we’re back to square one.

She’s not tall enough

She’s 5’4”. Sue Barker stood all of 5’5”, a commanding presence on TV. At 5’4” you’ll only be able to see the top of Scott’s head over the desk. I don’t pay my licence fee for that.

She’s called Scott, which is a slap in the face to every Englishman

Some of us haven’t forgotten the Battle of Bannockburn. Sure, it could be worse, she could be called ‘Alex German’ or ‘Alex Immigrant’, but it’s bad enough.

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New parent covered in shit and puke told 'you'll miss this one day'

THE parents of a two-month-old baby were told to ‘treasure every moment’ as their daughter was covering them in vile bodily fluids.

While visiting Carolyn and Jacob Ryan and new baby Jessa, friend Ellie Shaw urged them to enjoy their excrement-filled days and scream-filled sleepless nights.

Carolyn Ryan said: “No way. This is just the rubbish bit we have to get through until we get to the good bit where Jessa tells us she loves us and isn’t dripping with puke.

“How dare a woman with adult children who never even hassle her by calling tell me to enjoy the miracle of my firstborn child?”

Shaw said: “I’ve conveniently forgotten about the horrors of looking after my own babies, so I always tell new parents to treasure the baby days. I thought the smell was going to make me barf, though. 

“That said, when they become teenagers and are telling you you’re a loser while simultaneously trying to scrounge money, you’ll be nostalgic for when you were just dealing with literal shit.”