For you, Kate Bush, I will stop the war, says besotted Putin

VLADIMIR Putin has agreed to withdraw all troops from Ukraine in accordance with the wishes expressed by Kate Bush in her annual Christmas message.

While the Kremlin insists that Putin’s greatest love is Mother Russia, it is well known in the country that the president nurtures an even greater affection for the kooky British singer.

Spokesman Nikolai Sokolov said: “We had resolved to pursue our special operation in Ukraine until every last inch of territory had been captured and returned to its rightful home.

“However, President Putin has been stopped dead in his wish to crush the decadent West by the Christmas message from Kate Bush, the impish English rose who resides in the heart of all red-blooded males.

“If she wishes that this war ends, then it is so. It does not make sense to us, but neither did the demented cod-reggae track ‘Them Heavy People’ and yet we still worship her for it.

“Immediately all troops will be ordered to retreat while doing the dance to ‘Wuthering Heights’. President Putin will even make them wear floaty white dresses, if that is what Kate wants.

“All we ask in reparations is that we never have to listen to the song ‘Suspended in Gaffa’ again. Because it is really f**king weird.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Collecting your glass when there's still beer in it, and other annoying things pub staff do

FANCY a pleasant night out at the pub? Prepare for it to be marred by bar staff doing annoying shit like this.

Collecting a glass when there’s still beer in it

A pint of beer now costs so much you need to enjoy every single drop to feel like you’ve got your money’s worth. The bellend of a barman doesn’t seem to care though, he just wants to grab the glasses as quickly as possible so he can get back to flirting with his painfully uninterested female colleague.

Under-pouring a pint

Similar to the above, why are they trying to screw you out of even a millilitre of precious alcohol? They know how much it costs, they work in a pub, for f**k’s sake. Even worse with wine – are they annoyingly sloppy or trying to screw an extra glass out of the bottle? Either way, you sniffily demand they fill it to the line.

Putting on their favourite shit music

Pub music should either be stone cold classics that everyone loves, or so unobtrusive you don’t notice it until it’s turned off. So when the bar staff decide to inflict their newest psychedelic breakbeat mix on you, you suspect they’re driving away all the customers to leave them in peace to act out their tragic fantasies of being a superstar DJ.

Ignoring you and looking at their phone

Fine, so they’re bored witless because they’ve spent the last four hours serving beer to pissed-up twats, but they don’t need to be so obvious about it. They should be enjoying your witty repartee, like asking for a Guinness shandy, not scrolling Instagram. You wave your debit card to get their attention, but the idiots don’t seem to realise you’re a high-roller with £112.57 in your NatWest account.

Not letting you finish your drinks at closing

You’re still sitting there shouting and laughing 20 minutes after they’ve called time, but so what? Why are they picking up your glass when there’s still vodka and coke in it? Killjoys. But you show them who’s boss. When they finally tell you to piss off you threaten to complain to their manager, before promptly forgetting the second you stumble out into the cold.