Frozen 2 only way to stop Frozen

DISNEY has unveiled plans to stop children watching Frozen 24 hours a day by making Frozen 2.

The sequel is set for release in 18 months giving everyone just enough time to watch Frozen another 8,765 times.

A Disney spokesman said: “Frozen 2: Anna and Elsa Keep On Letting It Go will not be better than Frozen. It will probably be worse.

“But you won’t know every inflection in every line of dialogue, so it will feel like you have escaped from Alcatraz. You’re welcome.”

Disney also confirmed that on the film’s release, all Frozen merchandise will be declared invalid. Carts will be sent around the streets to collect and burn it.

Mother of three, Eleanor Shaw, said: “If there’s anything we can do to move this along that would be spiffing.

“In 18 months I’ll be singing Let It Go while running through the John Lewis furniture department completely naked before building a ‘castle’ out of dining chairs.”


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Britain still thinks petitions aren't completely ignored

PEOPLE across the UK are continuing to sign petitions as if they make any difference to anyone.

More than 800,000 have signed a petition demanding that Jeremy Clarkson no longer be subject to the rule of law in wilful ignorance of the fact that no attention will be paid to it.

Nathan Muir of Colchester said: “I sign the petition, it becomes law, everyone knows it was me who did it and my name goes down in history.

“That’s how it worked when I signed that petition to end terrorism, and that’s how it’ll work today. It’s democracy.”

PC Tom Logan, who mans the gates at Downing Street, said: “We get about 10 of these a day, with demands ranging from the introduction of urban wolves to bringing back Sapphire & Steel.

“We used to pretend we were taking them inside to give to the prime minister, but lately we just get the petitioners to feed them into the shredder themselves while we take a photo of them for their local paper.

“They don’t seem to mind. I think they just like signing things.”