Furious entertainment industry promises year from hell

THE entertainment industry has responded to last week’s internet blackout by vowing to make 2012 a new low in the history of entertainment.

Following the defeat of two US internet piracy bills, movie studios and record labels are to punish consumers with films and music that will leave audiences traumatised by their awfulness.

Joseph Turner, a production head at Disney, said: “Just the trailers will make you fear for your life. Ladybug, where Lindsey Lohan plays a short-sighted insect that washes car windshields? Swing Guard, with Liam Neeson as a grieving father campaigning for safety precautions at children’s playgrounds? Or Maitre D’ starring Al Pacino as a mob boss who takes a second job as a waiter in a French restaurant?

“How do you like your illegal downloads now, motherfuckers?”

EMI UK head Helen Archer said:”Ever seen the carnage of a bus driven into a shopping centre at 60mph by a man who craves only the silence of death? You will, once teenagers on the back seat start playing this year’s big singles on their mobiles.

“Leonard Cohen’s latest has been remixed for the club by Swedish House Mafia and Dappy. Leona Lewis is murdering the entire back catalogue of the Pixies. And Katy Perry’s last six singles have been made into a megamix by playing all of them simultaneously. I tell you now, it will be playlisted on Radio 1.”

The onslaught will violate every cinema, TV and radio station in the country until opposition to internet censorship ceases. Dance teacher Nikki Hollis said: “How am I supposed to run a Zumba Fitness class when this year’s hottest
jam is a Neil Young outtake from his 80s synthesizer period? Fuck Wikipedia right in the ear.”

Tom Booker, from Hatfield, said: “The wife and I go to the pictures every Friday, but the only movies out this week are Justin Bieber in a biopic of a German flautist or Transporter 4: HGV to Aberdeen.

“I give up. Have the internet.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

OK, we'll get jobs, say poor people

BRITAIN’S poor people have finally conceded defeat and vowed to find work first thing this morning.

As the government pressed ahead with welfare reform despite some bishops rejecting a £26,000 benefit cap, the nation’s job centres braced themselves for an influx of millions, ready to embark on a fantastic career.

Experts predicted it will be the first time Britain has experienced full employment since 526, when Olaf the Prudent opened the Dark Ages’ largest pig showroom, in Colchester.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Welfare reform is always complex and controversial but I think we can safely say that this time it is going to be perfect.”

Long-term claimant Nikki Hollis said: “Don’t get me wrong, while raising two kids in a bedsit on eighty quid a week has been a hoot, I finally have to accept that play time is over.

“I just can’t decide whether to work for a major clearing bank or a traditional, high street retailer. Talk about your dizzying rainbow of life-changing opportunities.”

The entire benefits system is expected to be defunct by early March, making thousands of people unemployed who were formerly employed in preventing bedsit-based malnutrition. However, most of them are expected to quickly find work as racing drivers or astronauts.

Meanwhile left-wing atheists have insisted that any reform of the House of Lords must now exempt unelected Jesus-freaks with pointy hats.

Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: “I don’t believe that Jesus was God but I do believe he knew that £26,000 pounds is not a lot of money these days.”

Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster, added: “My take home pay is £25,000 a year and I have to raise three kids. If they promised not to molest it, I’d happily give one of them to the Church.”