THE entertainment industry has responded to last week’s internet blackout by vowing to make 2012 a new low in the history of entertainment.
Following the defeat of two US internet piracy bills, movie studios and record labels are to punish consumers with films and music that will leave audiences traumatised by their awfulness.
Joseph Turner, a production head at Disney, said: “Just the trailers will make you fear for your life. Ladybug, where Lindsey Lohan plays a short-sighted insect that washes car windshields? Swing Guard, with Liam Neeson as a grieving father campaigning for safety precautions at children’s playgrounds? Or Maitre D’ starring Al Pacino as a mob boss who takes a second job as a waiter in a French restaurant?
“How do you like your illegal downloads now, motherfuckers?”
EMI UK head Helen Archer said:”Ever seen the carnage of a bus driven into a shopping centre at 60mph by a man who craves only the silence of death? You will, once teenagers on the back seat start playing this year’s big singles on their mobiles.
“Leonard Cohen’s latest has been remixed for the club by Swedish House Mafia and Dappy. Leona Lewis is murdering the entire back catalogue of the Pixies. And Katy Perry’s last six singles have been made into a megamix by playing all of them simultaneously. I tell you now, it will be playlisted on Radio 1.”
The onslaught will violate every cinema, TV and radio station in the country until opposition to internet censorship ceases. Dance teacher Nikki Hollis said: “How am I supposed to run a Zumba Fitness class when this year’s hottest
jam is a Neil Young outtake from his 80s synthesizer period? Fuck Wikipedia right in the ear.”
Tom Booker, from Hatfield, said: “The wife and I go to the pictures every Friday, but the only movies out this week are Justin Bieber in a biopic of a German flautist or Transporter 4: HGV to Aberdeen.
“I give up. Have the internet.”