Gary Barlow headlines Stonehenge

FORMER Take That singer Gary Barlow has headlined Stonehenge’s annual celebrations in honour of the ancient Earth Goddess.

The singer-songwriter performed hits including Why Can’t I Wake Up With You, Stronger and a cover version of Elton John’s Can You Feel The Love Tonight on a special piano engraved with mystic symbols.

Thousands of assembled hippies, druids and ravers joined in the chorus of Take That’s Everything Changes But You, banging ethnic instruments in time with the catchy beat as the first rays of dawn sunshine broke through clouds to illuminate Barlow’s handsome face.

Barlow said: “I’ve actually met the Gaia, the Earth Goddess while tripping on magic mushrooms with Mark Owen, and she’s really nice.

“For such an ancient powerful being she’s really approachable with a great sense of humour.”

Historian Carolyn Ryan said:  “Many thought that the public appetite for celebrating a mythical female might have been exhausted after the jubilee.”

“Turns out they underestimated the great British enthusiasm for getting smashed.”

Reveller Tom Logan said: “We praise the ancient primal goddess, and give thanks for the vast cornucopia of illicit substances that she hath birthed from her mighty earth-womb.”



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Pundit mouths monitored

SEPP Blatter has finally acknowledged that extra monitoring is needed to regulate what comes out of football commentator’s mouths.

Key incidents during Euro 2012, such as every single thing that Adrian Chiles has said, have convinced the lunch-­friendly FIFA president to examine methods of measuring whether opinions have crossed the line of idiocy.

Software developers have generated algorithms that detect key speech patterns consistent with commentator bollockery, such as the rising inflection whenever Ronaldo or Rooney kicks the ball in the general direction of the goal or a balding ex-player’s use of the word ‘top’ more than twice in a row.

Pundits who talk shite will be penalised in the same way as players. Testing the system on old matches, it has been calculated that while Gary Neville might have been the subject of the occasional caution, Clive Tyldesley would not have completed a full 90 minutes since 1998 and Jamie Redknapp would have been banned for life three games into his punditry career.

Blatter said: “It seems ridiculous in this day and age that we can’t eliminate the pissy sarcasm of Mark Lawrenson or the numbskulled jingoism of Ian Wright from the game.

“By the next European championships I want it made compulsory that every broadcaster has an official in their studio overseeing all the pre and post­match analysis and they will be given authority to send anyone guilty of egregious horseshit off to Channel 5.”

Blatter added: “My vision for the beautiful game is to see an ex-geography teacher in black shorts blasting a whistle into the face of Lee Dixon and cautioning him for the repeated misuse of the word ‘literally’.