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Glastonbury Festival now Center Parcs with ketamine

GLASTONBURY has become so expensive that the only people who can afford it are middle class twats more used to blowing hundreds of pounds at Center Parcs.

After it was announced that tickets for the 2023 festival will cost £340 each, organisers have confirmed that it is now squarely aimed at rich bastards who want to spend a weekend cosplaying as alternative hippies.

A spokesperson said: “Glastonbury has its roots in 60s counterculture and the free festival movement but it has evolved into something bland and mainstream, with a few drugs floating around so people can still feel edgy.

“New age travellers look quaint and add a bit of authenticity, but they aren’t prepared to spend a tenner on a burger and £6 on a pint, so we aren’t encouraging them anymore, unless they want to pick up litter or something.

“The people we’re aiming for are wealthy, millennial management types called things like Ralph and Francesca, who can part with more than a grand for a family ticket and then spend the whole time moaning about how bad the facilities are.

“So, yes, it will be just like their annual trip to Center Parcs, but with mud, sunburn and a cripplingly miserable comedown thrown in.”

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Become a vicar: last-ditch ways to crack the housing market

DESPERATELY searching for any possible route onto the property ladder? Desperate enough to try one of these? 

Become a vicar

Fancy being given a house for free? Usually a nice old one next to a church? Then pledge to serve to an almighty deity for life and you’ll move into your very own vicarage. Having tea with elderly ladies wanging on about immigration is a small price to pay. It’s enough to make you believe in God.

Squat

What are homeowners but squatters on a bank’s property? Cut out the middleman and move into a house owned by a sanctioned Russian oligarch through a chain of offshore holding companies. He’s probably forgotten the three-bed semi in Bromley. All you have to do is secretly live there for a decade and it’s yours.

Marry up

You can’t afford a home because your family made the short-sighted decision to not have massive amounts of historical wealth, so find someone who has. Any Made In Chelsea bell-end will do. Get shagging. Soon you’ll have your name on the deeds of a Knightsbridge penthouse.

Become a ghost

Ghosts all live in rambling period properties without paying a penny in rent. Whether you fancy a Georgian mansion, a Victorian townhouse or even a Scottish castle, all you need to do is get horribly murdered on site and for your killing to remain unsolved, which in these times of police cuts is almost guaranteed.

Move to the north-east

Remember the halcyon days of the 1990s when houses cost 50 grand? They never went away in Middlesbrough, so zip up there, pick yourself up a bargain home in a former pit-village for less than the cost of a London deposit and get gentrifying!

Become the Chancellor

Not only does the Chancellor of the Exchequer receive a fat salary, they’re also given the keys to 11 Downing Street. It doesn’t matter if you’re remotely qualified, they’re churning through them. It’s only a matter of time before you’re given the call, like jury duty.

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