GLASTONBURY has become so expensive that the only people who can afford it are middle class twats more used to blowing hundreds of pounds at Center Parcs.
After it was announced that tickets for the 2023 festival will cost £340 each, organisers have confirmed that it is now squarely aimed at rich bastards who want to spend a weekend cosplaying as alternative hippies.
A spokesperson said: “Glastonbury has its roots in 60s counterculture and the free festival movement but it has evolved into something bland and mainstream, with a few drugs floating around so people can still feel edgy.
“New age travellers look quaint and add a bit of authenticity, but they aren’t prepared to spend a tenner on a burger and £6 on a pint, so we aren’t encouraging them anymore, unless they want to pick up litter or something.
“The people we’re aiming for are wealthy, millennial management types called things like Ralph and Francesca, who can part with more than a grand for a family ticket and then spend the whole time moaning about how bad the facilities are.
“So, yes, it will be just like their annual trip to Center Parcs, but with mud, sunburn and a cripplingly miserable comedown thrown in.”