Goonies awful, say experts

FILM researchers have discovered that The Goonies is actually dreadful.

Shut up you little bastard

Shut up you little bastard

The 1985 film is a favourite amongst reminiscing thirtysomethings who haven’t watched it since they were 13. But yesterday a Channel 5 broadcast showed that a group of children shouting for 90  minutes is as entertaining as that sounds.

Filmologist Nikki Hollis said: “Halfway through I was hoping the one that looks like Paddy Kenny would just snap the fat kid’s neck like a twig wrapped in bacon and the rest of the shrieking horde would get buried in a rockslide.

“Instead a bunch of brats continued being way too fucking loud in an abandoned Raiders Of The Lost Ark set and falling through things for no discernible reason for another hour.”

Fans hold Goonies-themed evenings, asserting that modern children’s films cannot compete with ‘when that bloke says “Hey you guys” in a mongy voice’, before finding the fattest person in the pub to bully.

Theories why the film is so great differ, with some pointing to its massively offensive racial stereotypes while others say it is the combination of laughing at the physically and mentally disabled and having no plot.

But new research suggests that children are morons that like any old toss put in front of them and grow up into adults who forget how shit the decade they grew up in was.

Hollis added: “Liking The Goonies as an adult is as dignified as seeing how many wanks you can have in a day and crying because you don’t own a BMX.”